Abuse and Change


Can anyone tell me why people stay in abusive relationships? Or why they take their abusers back after they’ve gotten out of the situation?

I know very little about this subject, but I know a couple things from my experience with people in these situations:

  • The victim doesn’t recognize his/her own worth.
  • The victim doesn’t want to give up on or abandon their abuser.
  • The victim doesn’t want to be alone.
  • The victim cares about /loves their abuser.
  • The victim thinks the abuser will change or has changed.
  • The victim fears for his/her safety or life.
  • The victim has children with the abuser.
  • The victim financially depends on the abuser.
  • The victim thinks he/she is to blame for the abuse.
  • The victim has no one else who will support them emotionally.
  • The victim thinks that he/she is a bad person and/or believes that he/she deserves what he/she gets.

Knowing these things does not mean that I understand them. I don’t understand it at all. I have zero comprehension as to why someone would stay in an abusive relationship, or worse… take back an abuser once they’re out of the relationship.

I’m really not the nicest person. I care about all of humanity, but I refuse to exert much of  my energy on anyone but a select few who have made their way into my heart. I cut people out of my life quickly if they are toxic to me in any way, and I do not feel bad about it at all. I will only try for so long with someone. If they refuse to change bad/unhealthy behaviors or situations, I will refuse to have them in my life. I will not tolerate complaints with no effort to fix the problems. I am not the person who will coddle someone day after day while they make no changes to better their life.

This brings me to…


Change frightens a lot of people. We don’t generally like to be removed from our comfort zones. However, change is a necessary part of life. The world is in a constant state of change. We cannot always stop change, but we can control the direction of the changes in our lives.

Change always presents an opportunity to improve upon our current circumstances. Instead of asking “why,” we should ask “how.”

“Why is this happening to me?” = “How can I turn this into something great?”

Sometimes when it’s necessary to make changes in your life, those changes will begin on their own. The whole universe must remain balanced, hence its constant state of change stabilizing imbalances that occur. If we resist the changes that occur in our lives, we become unbalanced.

If we pay attention to the changes that occur in our lives, we will often find that there has been something blocking us from our full potential and the changes that are occurring present an opportunity to unblock it, improve our lives and reach our potentials.

It is up to each of us to accept and direct changes, or to resist and attempt to live in a state of stasis. Truth is, though, nothing remains in stasis; everything changes. Those changes can be good or bad, but life will change one way or the other. Choose to direct that change in a positive way rather than resisting it.

Changing your life begins with changing yourself. These are just some of the steps you can take in changing yourself and your life:

  1. Learn to love yourself, first and foremost- No one can give you more than you can give yourself. You are your greatest advocate in life. Love, value and respect yourself. No one can properly love, respect, value or appreciate you if you don’t do it for yourself first.
  2. Realize your strengths and weaknesses- Acknowledge, accept and utilize your strengths and take steps to lessen your weaknesses.
  3. Establish a healthy routine in your life- Reduce, and eventually eliminate, your bad habits and coping mechanisms and replace them with healthy ones.
  4. Set goals for yourself- We need to have something to strive for and aspire to. Set your personal and life goals and remind yourself daily of what you want and how you can get it.
  5. Cut toxic people out of your life- If you want to be happy, healthy and fulfilled, remove those from your life who seek to damage, demean or destroy you. In order to be loved and supported, you must keep loving and supportive company.
  6. Take control of your own destiny- Settle for nothing less than you deserve in life and love. Accept only that which lifts you up and pushes you toward your full potential. You have the power to steer the course of your own life. Choose only the paths which will fulfill you and bring you happiness.
  7. Be positive- Attitude is everything. You are what you believe. If you believe that you are a failure, you will fail. If you believe that you are weak, you will be weak. Believe that you are strong, independent, happy, and successful, and you will be strong, independent, happy and successful.




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