Something else personal- Another long night ahead…

I think my heart is literally breaking without her. 

 

I suppose I should explain some of the background information that I’ve previously left out of my blogs. I’m not sure how it shows up on here, but I have two blogs that should be connected. This one is just for writing about anything while the other one is for my girlfriend. The other one is filled with poetry, letters and posts to and about her.

My girlfriend is Australian and I am American. We started dating in spite of this. We both knew committing to such a long distance relationship would be difficult, but we agreed it was worth it to try. I don’t believe in letting an opportunity pass by just because it may be hard… or impossible. Life is nothing without attempting to conquer the impossible once in a while. I would much rather look back on this and know that I gave it my all and enjoyed having her in my life in what ways I could than look back and wonder if we could have had more than just a friendship.

She and I have been communicating via text and instant message, email, phone calls, video chats, etc. We have grown to know each other very well even from our vast distances. In fact, she knows me better than anyone here who knows me in person.

Logic and reason have no bearing in love. Initially we tried to just be friends, but we connected on a much deeper level that simply could not be denied. We’ve discussed everything in the uncountable hours online and on the phone each day. After a while we even discussed marriage and one of us moving to the other’s country, living together and raising a family.

I knew that a time might come when one or both of us needed to take a break, just step back and manage life offline. That time has come now. She has a lot going on in her life currently and trying to maintain a long distance relationship is just too difficult at the moment.

She loves me and I love her. That has not changed. She just needs some time to focus on her life over there right now. I’ve told her from the beginning that I would respect that if it came up.

So, that is some of the background for now, just so you know where I’m coming from in this.

Also, if anyone reading this thinks that our relationship couldn’t be real, I would have agreed with you before experiencing it myself. So, by all means, ask questions or just keep an open mind while reading. I’m not out to convince anyone, but please don’t devalue our love when you don’t know either of us.

 

As I was saying….

 

I think my heart is literally breaking without her. 

Knowing that this isn’t permanent isn’t really helping. 

 

I am far too caffeinated to sleep tonight, I know. This coming from someone who values a full eight hours a night. 

Last night was dreadful. The constant waking, the half-asleep searching for her, the racing thoughts of her that just wouldn’t quit.

Oh, and the emptiness… 

I’ve done a lot of “soul searching” and “life reflection” and I am a positive and happy person with many goals and plans for the future. I’ve experienced much more than people tend to realize. Abuses, difficulties, failures, poverty, losses, and struggles. I’ve faced real fears and hopelessness. I’ve known emptiness, true emptiness. I’ve worked very hard on myself and my life to never feel empty again. I feel that my life is quite fulfilling and I have plenty of hope for the future. 

However, there is this awful emptiness in my heart without her- without her voice, her words, her smile, her laugh, her beautiful eyes, her everything. 

 

I feel like I’ve lost my mind!

I never would have guessed that I could ever be so affected by someone. I’m dreading even trying to sleep tonight if it will be anything like the last two nights.  I keep doing these crazy things like checking my phone to see if I somehow missed a text or call from her in the last five minutes since I checked last.

Yes, I have lost my mind. 

 

She needs this time to sort out some things in her life right now. I don’t feel it would be right to go into too much detail about her life, but among other things she’s been working a lot of hours while handling some things with friends and family, and moving into a new place. People are pulling her in all directions, so it’s necessary at the moment that I give her some space and time to get things settled over there.  

I’m okay with that and I know it’s not permanent, so why can’t I hold myself together and be patient until she returns? 

I really hope this isn’t another long night. I’m going to try really hard not to think too much about her. 

 

Well, here goes nothing…. Goodnight!

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4 thoughts on “Something else personal- Another long night ahead…

  1. How sweet. I understand your poetry so much better now. Continue on. Long distance relationships can be incredibly hard. Here’s my attempt at shitty poetry:

    The time of longing can be orange-bitter,
    flaky like baking soda
    and close to my burning, coal-filled
    oven heart.

    I hate you, but I want this hurt
    to identify myself
    with an image I keep at night
    of your liquidy face:
    your sex lips and plump cheeks,
    your beautiful eyes which
    both kill and enliven.
    Sublimity in the absence of your touch.

    We will be together again,
    but this feeling will linger
    and sweet nectar of our honeymoon reunion
    will still be based in a white, blank place
    of pain.

    • Thank you. I don’t know if such a long distance relationship can possibly work out somehow, but I want to try… even when it hurts.

      Thank you so much for sharing your poetry. I think it’s good!

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