I’m driving myself crazy.
Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety.
Sometimes all I want is to be seen, noticed, visible.
I wish life had a pause button.
I don’t want it to stop, just pause.
Pause with me… don’t go on without me while I disappear into myself. Just pause for a bit, give me a break, while I collect my thoughts and feelings and find some order again.
Anxiety eats me from the inside out.
Chewing me up silently at first while I “grin and bear it” for the sake of everyone around me.
Everyone around me? That’s not right.
That’s so much of the problem, I think. Being alone.
Over and over that obnoxious encouragement rings in my head…
“Things are changing… just a little longer.”
A little longer… a little longer… a little longer… SIGH.
A little longer becomes a little longer than a little longer, and then even longer.
Yes, yes, I know. It’s not much longer now.
Rejected by one after another. Rejected by individuals. Rejected by groups. Rejected by owners.
The anxiety grows louder.
Others are beginning to hear it, to see it.
It’s not staying inside…
The truth is, when I fall I’d just like to hear “Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out together. Take my hand. I’m here for you.”
At least this little stumble will likely be over tomorrow. I love how much brighter everything usually is in the mornings; how sleep rebuilds strength lost in the day.