Between some current things going on in my life and the last few posts I’ve written on here about my past, I’m just not in the best state of mind of late and I think I need to vent a little bit.
Going through my past and recalling all the feelings throughout the years probably was not a good idea right now when I’m dealing with some current issues and trying to hold things together for myself and some people in my life. I should have waited until I’d gotten through this rough patch before drudging up memories and feelings from the past. I get a little impatient sometimes and I thought I could start writing my story now instead of waiting like I’d initially intended to.
Oh well, what’s done is done.
Lately, I’ve felt like I’m the only one giving strength and encouragement to some people in my life and I’m not allowed to have difficulty myself because then they will fall apart. This may not be the case at all, but it’s how I feel.
I know these people care about me and they’re not doing anything wrong or intentional. But I feel drained. I feel like I’m giving and giving and not getting back. This is in part my own fault because I’m not exactly asking for anything back. My girl said that I should express how I’m feeling and let people know that I need something back, and she’s right, but I’m scared to do that because I don’t want to be a burden or make things any harder for them than they already are.
I’m struggling with insecurities and doubts, as well as some unrelenting anxieties.
Being my own source of strength and encouragement is something I’ve learned how to be, something I’ve accepted… but I don’t “want” to anymore. I will continue, because that’s just what I need to do, but damn it would be nice to have more support outside myself at times.
I don’t mean to sound all self-pitying, but I need some place in my life where I can safely express myself and I’d like this to be it.
I’m moving soon- very soon. I have a dog that I cannot bring with me when I move and no matter how hard I try, I cannot find her a home. It’s hard enough as is to give my dog away, but I’ve accepted that it’s the very best thing for her and for me. I’ve been trying for months and months to find her a home and I can’t. I’m scared and stressed because I don’t know what else I can do. I know what the problems are, but I don’t know the solutions. She is an older dog with food aggression (not toward people, but toward other pets). The 3 people who actually showed interest in her decided not to take her because 1) they had other pets and she needs to be a single pet, 2) they lived in a small house and she is too big (about 40lbs maybe), or 3) she’s too old and they want a younger dog. In addition to that, the problem is the area I’m currently living in. This town is too small. It’s incredibly difficult to find any pet a home here. I’ve branched out to the town I’ll be moving to (that would be really nice because then I could visit her), but no luck. At this point I am willing to deliver her anywhere if it means she gets a loving home. There must be someone, somewhere who can love an older dog. How can find them?
My personal relationships feel rocky. It feels like those I’m closest to are ready to part ways at any given time. Again, this may not be the case, just the way I feel.
I don’t have very many close relationships (mainly by my own choosing), so I deeply value those which I do have.
I feel like I’ve done something wrong or like I’m simply not deserving. I feel like if I mess up just once that will be the end. I don’t even think any of this is true, but it’s my insecurities and doubts. I feel like the people in my life are only maintaining a relationship with me because they can’t have what they “really” want- like I could lose them the moment someone better comes along.
Normally I don’t stress about such things. Normally I’m a bit cold in that sense. If someone doesn’t want me in their life, so be it. Trusting or getting close to people doesn’t come very easily to me. Caring comes easy, I care about a lot of people (everyone, really). But I don’t often let people get close enough that they can hurt me or let me down. Those who I have allowed in are very important to me and I’m scared of messing up those relationships.
My anxiety has been really bad lately. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep properly. The instability of my personal relationships as well as all of the roadblocks I’ve been hitting in my move are just putting this incredible pressure on me, knotting up my insides and fogging up my brain. A lot has gone wrong lately, but there’s no need to list it all. It’s just all built up this anxiety within me and I’m having trouble calming myself.
Sleeping is getting easier and I am doing that now, but eating is still really hard. I felt like I’d lost weight, so I weighed myself yesterday. Due to past issues with eating disorders and such, I try to watch myself. I try to make sure I don’t drop below 110lbs (115lbs would be healthy for my height/structure). Well, yesterday I weighed 105lbs. That’s not too big of a difference, but it’s a slippery slope for someone with a history of disordered eating and body image, so I have to be careful. I managed to eat pretty much all day- breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks.
And then my tooth broke.
I really don’t need this right now. Here I am struggling to get my appetite back and just as I think it’s returning, my tooth breaks and I can’t eat. Worst yet, I can’t get in to see a dentist until Monday the earliest. I’m glad I ate all day Friday because I now have to get through today and tomorrow on the liquid diet I do when I lose my appetite. At least the stress of it has basically smudged out the little appetite that returned briefly yesterday.
Okay, enough complaining. I want to include some gratitude here.
What I’m grateful for this morning- July 28, 2012
- My friendships, no matter how rocky they feel at the moment. I truly value all of the relationships in my life, including the distant ones that are mostly online.
- My cats- They are the constant in my life when everything else is up in the air.
- Coffee- Time for a refill now, in fact. 😉
- Art- There’s a blessed calm in the smooth, repetitive strokes of my pencil; a certain pleasure in watching an image form from what begins as messy strikes across a clean, white page.