It’s a beautiful day out, and I know I look beautiful, too, sitting here in the shade with my hair gently flowing with the breeze. I don’t feel beautiful, though. I’m trying not to feel at all.
I didn’t want to get out of bed today. I didn’t want to be awake at all. I had to bring my friend her lunch, and she was almost unlucky enough to have me show up in my pajamas. In my old town, no one would have thought twice about it, really. Here, though, I knew my depressed pajama look wouldn’t have gone unnoticed.
I forced myself into the shower, and out again. My clothes are nice, my makeup is perfect, my hair is neat. I stood in front of the mirror for a moment just staring. I looked good, normal, but the only thing I really noticed was the bareness around my neck where my necklace should have been. I put makeup on because I know I’ll try harder not to cry for fear of black mascara running down my face.
I wanted to find another necklace to wear so I wouldn’t feel quite so naked, but all my stuff is in boxes right now. I was supposed to unpack it all last night, but everything fell apart last night. I drank wine and cried myself to sleep early after watching the cars drive by out my window for a while.
Today, I want to talk/write, express myself some, but not about “it” so much. My thoughts are random today, yet all related somehow. I’m glad I have the freedom to do what I want today. I have no obligations today, no one to report to, nothing to do that cannot wait. Today is mine. I don’t know if I’ll enjoy it, don’t know if I can enjoy anything right now, but I’ll make it my own at least.
I left the house with only six cigarettes today, thinking I wouldn’t smoke more than that. I now have one left. I’m glad my house is so close and I can just go home. I’m at a coffeehouse right now because I wanted to blog and it’s difficult on my phone.
My stomach hurts and I know I should eat something, but I don’t know how I can now. This last month has been such a dichotomy for me. It’s been the happiest and the most miserable at the same time. I’ve been happier than I ever have been in my life, and more depressed than I ever have been, too. I don’t know how I can do that, how I can experience such polar opposite emotions at the exact same time.
I feel fragile and strong at the same time, too. I feel like I break a little more each day, yet somehow I know I’m strong enough to still do everything that I have ahead of me. Perhaps it’s just that I know that I’m more able to separate my emotions when need be now than I was in the past. I am worried about next week, though, because I’ll have my little cousin staying with me. I want to be okay for her. I want to have fun with her and enjoy our time together. I really hope I can do that. I adore her and I want to give her all of myself, not just what I manage to muster for everyone else. She deserves more than the fake smiles and the pretending.
Why did I give myself so many reminders? Why did I allow someone so close that they could affect me this deeply?
Rhetorical questions I keep asking myself, but know the answers to. I’ve developed a good perspective on life and love, and it’s a good thing, but it does mean a greater risk of hurt.
Through it all, I’ve been scared that in spite of all my strength I won’t have strength enough to let someone so close again. I’ve had a month to really think about this seriously, and I have yet to come to any solid conclusions. I’ve felt my walls going up, this coldness surfacing in defense. It’s not like I have to jump into anything else right away, but it feels like I’ll just harden myself more over time.
Time… it can ease pain, but never changes anything.
I know my strength and I know that I was right when I said I’d regret nothing, but that doesn’t take away the pain. I knew it wouldn’t.
This beautiful day is all mine. I’m going to go try to make something of it now.