Hoarder Mother

I’ve been getting so many views from people referred by hoarding sites lately. I greatly appreciate the refers and the interest. I want to express my gratitude and make sure that you all know that your interest is appreciated.

I always feel guilty writing about my mother and her hoarding tendencies. I still can’t forgive my mother for all she’s done wrong in my life. I spend most of my time focusing on my life and the positive aspects of it.

I talk to my mother once in a while, less often than a daughter should. I did tell her about my recent medical issues and my trip to the hospital.

Before I moved here, I was living in my mother’s mess with no transportation and no income. I had no way to get a job, no way to get basic necessities from the store when I needed them. I was completely reliant on my mother for all my needs.

I’m free now. I live in my own place. I have a job. There are several stores walking distance from my house. Best of all, I have trash pick up and no longer live with garbage piling up.

Let me tell you, karma is a b*tch.
My mother’s car broke down the week that I moved out. She has been milking unemployment for over a year and they have cut her income in half. She refused to look for a job while she had the chance, so she’s now stuck with no job, no transportation and she is completely reliant on her friend. I bet her trash is piling up around her, as well as her hoard. Our situations have basically switched. She is getting a taste of what it was like for me over the last several years before I moved here.

When I told my mother about my possible heart condition, she offered to come stay with me. Everyone else thinks she’s being nice. Naturally she knows how to seem caring and selfless. Truth is, though, she just wants to come stay in a nice clean place with free food and things to do. She told me that she pulled a muscle in her back and she’s “gimpy” at the moment. Other people feel sorry for her, but I read that and immediately I see her trying to come here and be taken care of.

Not a chance in hell would I let her come stay with me while I’m sick. I can barely take care of myself and my pets let alone her. I wish she was the type of mother who actually would come stay here and help me, but she’s not. She would spend her time shopping and hoarding my house; complaining about her back and her miserable life. I can’t handle it. I know her too well. She wouldn’t help me clean up the house and take care of the cats. She wouldn’t help me cook meals and keep things neat and organized. It would be a big pity party for her and an opportunity to buy more stuff and mess up my place with her junk.

This is a hoarding parent, in my experience. My friends would be judging me for being hard on my “poor mother” when she’s in pain with a pulled muscle and living such a “rough life.” No one would get that she chose the situation she’s in. No one would see through her manipulative manner. My heart can’t handle her. She’s not as caring and kind as she seems.

My mother has always used other people to vacation. She goes to someone’s house and mooches off of them while shopping and collecting more for her hoard back home. I can’t allow that here. Especially not while I’m ill.

I’m sure there are other children of hoarders who experience this with their parents.

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Time of My Life

In all of my 25 years of life, I’ve really only had a few good ones. I spent the majority of my life battling bipolar disorder, abuse, pain and loss. Most of my life has been pretty miserable with nothing good standing out in my memory post 1996 when my father died.

Now… Right now, this period of my life, is the best time of my life. I’m so happy, and so fortunate. I have so many amazing people in my life, friends, family (not blood-related). I have a wonderful place to live and a job that I love. I work with good people, live with good people. I have very few concerns and they don’t even really get me down. I’m stable and content. Not just content, but happy. Truly happy.

I love my life.

Emergency Room

Optimism doesn’t always set the tone for the day, unfortunately. I was certain on Monday that I would have a good day. The weather was wonderful, I’d woken up with Deven, and I was happy.

I got to work just to find out that I’d mixed up my schedule and wasn’t even supposed to work that day. Michelle ended up needing me anyway, though. I was doing okay through most of the day. I had 15 rooms to clean, but most of them were stay overs, so it would be easy. On room 14 I began to feel lightheaded and disoriented. I told Michelle that I needed to get lunch. I ate lunch and still felt really bad. I was exhausted and felt like I would pass out. I pushed through room 14 and then ran into Michelle and Erika. They’re my managers, basically. They told me to clock out and go home.

I was beat. I didn’t have any energy at all, nor did I have a ride home. I texted Deven to see if she could pick me up, but she couldn’t. I texted April and didn’t reach her. So, I went around the side of the building and lied down on the pavement. Apparently napping on pavement freaks people out.

I don’t know if I passed out or just fell asleep. Michelle and Erika found me. They said I was unresponsive. Michelle called an ambulance and everyone convinced me to go to the hospital.

Five hours later….. I still didn’t get an answer from the doctor. He was so rude and condescending. He said my vitals were fine, my blood sugar and blood pressure were fine, my blood work was fine, etc. However, he showed great interest in my heart. He kept asking me questions about my heart and family history of heart conditions. My father died of a heart attack when I was nine.

Doctor Jerk wouldn’t give me any straight answers about my heart. He was straight about everything else, though, so I think he saw something on the EKG. He told me that he wants to fit me with a 24 hour heart monitor halter. I should be getting that today if all works out.

It’s sad, but I’m actually hoping he finds something wrong with my heart. At least then I’ll have an answer. I’ll know what’s going on and hopefully be able to fix it. I can’t continue crashing every day at work. I almost feel narcoleptic.

On the upside, I felt very loved. Michelle and Erika both went to the hospital with me, followed closely by April and Jessica. Everyone cared. April stayed with me the whole time, of course. At one point I actually had a panic attack. I hyperventilated. It was very embarrassing. I’m not sure what happened. Jessica was very helpful with that, though.

I have wonderful friends and for the first time in my life, I actually have a support system. I feel very blessed.

Autumn

Today feels like the first day of fall. It is blissfully cool, and I feel so happy. I love this time of year. I wish it could be like this almost year-round.

So, I went to the doctor on Saturday and the ruled out low blood sugar being my issue. They basically said I seemed healthy. I knew this would happen. They did order blood work, though. They’re testing my thyroid, too. I won’t get those results for two weeks.

My boss, managers and coworkers are being really nice and understanding about my medical issues. I’ve been cut down to only three days a week, but I’m not losing my job at least.

I’ve been seeing this girl, Deven, for a little while now. She knows all about my ex and she knows I’m not even remotely over her, so we’ve been casually dating and basically just spending time together. It’s been very nice. I like her more than I thought I would.

Our first date was dinner at her house. Our second date was a passion party at my friend’s house. That was pretty hilarious. Our third date was at the beach at night. We went skinny dipping. That was interesting, exhilarating, and the night was beautiful. She spent the night last night. We didn’t have sex. Neither of us are ready for anything like that. But we fell asleep in each others arms. I woke up this morning and curled up on her chest, listening to her breathing.

She is fun; she is sweet. I enjoy spending time with her. Our first kiss was kind of amazing. My friends and I had a cookout at our place and Deven spent the night. During the cookout she sent me a text and said that she wanted to kiss me but there were so many people around. I went inside and she was holding hamburger buns. She asked if she should bring them out. I cut her off and kissed her. We also kissed on the beach. That was amazing, too.

Today feels like a good day, and I am going to enjoy it.

Illness?

I feel like its been a lifetime since I posted last. Everything feels slower for me lately, though.

I’ve been ill, I guess.

I’ve had some weird “symptoms” for a long time now, but lately it’s much worse. I’ve had things like lightheadedness, confusion, fatigue, excessive thirst and dehydration for at least a few years. Now it’s a hundred times worse and interfering with my job.

I love my job and I love the people I work with, but I haven’t been able to do my job properly lately and my coworkers are understandably frustrated with me. They’re not angry or mean, just overwhelmed with having to pick up my slack. I feel terrible and I spend every day apologizing and promising to see a doctor.

My friend, Katie, is taking me to a free clinic tomorrow. I’ve spent the majority of my life talking to doctors and they don’t listen and don’t care, so I have little faith in them now. Katie promised to get me help. She promised to make sure the doctors listen for once.

I’m so weak that even holding my phone right now feels like too much effort. Breathing feels like too much effort. Everything is so difficult and takes so long. It took me all day yesterday just to clean my kitchen. I had to keep taking breaks and I would doze off whenever I sat down. I slept 9 hours last night and 10 the night before, and my exhaustion is persistent still.

Everyone has suggestions for what might be wrong. I could be diabetic or hypoglycemic. I could be severely anemic. I could have a thyroid condition. On and on and on. I need real answers from real doctors.

Blurred vision, double vision, confusion, memory loss, exhaustion, dizziness, lightheadedness, excessive thirst, muscle weakness…. Doctors in the last five years have told me that I’m fine. I decided to listen to them and assume it’s in my head. But everyone who knows me, spends time with me, asks me what’s wrong with me. They all tell me to see a doctor. It’s not in my head. Something is wrong. And now my job is suffering for it.

I do everything right. I eat right, sleep right, exercise right, and nothing helps. I’ve had blood work done, last time was 2010 I think, and it always comes back fine. I’m scared to go back to a doctor again because if they tell me again that nothing’s wrong, I’m just kind of screwed. I’m scared that no one will be able to help me and I can’t fix this on my own. Clearly ignoring it hasn’t helped. Pretending I’m fine isn’t working anymore.

I don’t even care what it is anymore. I don’t care if it’s something serious. I just want answers and treatment. I can’t lose my job. I need to be okay.

This Moment

Cup of hot coffee, gentle sunbeams warming my skin, lit cigarette in hand…

This moment.

Surrounded by manicured gardens, easy music reverberating, cool breezes traveling from the ocean…

This moment, mine.

Insecurities and anxieties try to find their way in. Memories pull at my heart strings. Unreached goals thrown in my face by what’s better here, and unappreciated.

This moment, just release.

Pasts build futures. Present is just that. Future undetermined.

This moment, stay in it.

Traffic in the distance, airplanes overhead, an eery calm in green gardens and soft blue skies.

This moment, formed over years.

Think about what it took in so many different lives just to reach this one single moment, for one single person. Pain and suffering, love and laughter, work and business, childhood and growth.

This moment, is divine.