Illness?

I feel like its been a lifetime since I posted last. Everything feels slower for me lately, though.

I’ve been ill, I guess.

I’ve had some weird “symptoms” for a long time now, but lately it’s much worse. I’ve had things like lightheadedness, confusion, fatigue, excessive thirst and dehydration for at least a few years. Now it’s a hundred times worse and interfering with my job.

I love my job and I love the people I work with, but I haven’t been able to do my job properly lately and my coworkers are understandably frustrated with me. They’re not angry or mean, just overwhelmed with having to pick up my slack. I feel terrible and I spend every day apologizing and promising to see a doctor.

My friend, Katie, is taking me to a free clinic tomorrow. I’ve spent the majority of my life talking to doctors and they don’t listen and don’t care, so I have little faith in them now. Katie promised to get me help. She promised to make sure the doctors listen for once.

I’m so weak that even holding my phone right now feels like too much effort. Breathing feels like too much effort. Everything is so difficult and takes so long. It took me all day yesterday just to clean my kitchen. I had to keep taking breaks and I would doze off whenever I sat down. I slept 9 hours last night and 10 the night before, and my exhaustion is persistent still.

Everyone has suggestions for what might be wrong. I could be diabetic or hypoglycemic. I could be severely anemic. I could have a thyroid condition. On and on and on. I need real answers from real doctors.

Blurred vision, double vision, confusion, memory loss, exhaustion, dizziness, lightheadedness, excessive thirst, muscle weakness…. Doctors in the last five years have told me that I’m fine. I decided to listen to them and assume it’s in my head. But everyone who knows me, spends time with me, asks me what’s wrong with me. They all tell me to see a doctor. It’s not in my head. Something is wrong. And now my job is suffering for it.

I do everything right. I eat right, sleep right, exercise right, and nothing helps. I’ve had blood work done, last time was 2010 I think, and it always comes back fine. I’m scared to go back to a doctor again because if they tell me again that nothing’s wrong, I’m just kind of screwed. I’m scared that no one will be able to help me and I can’t fix this on my own. Clearly ignoring it hasn’t helped. Pretending I’m fine isn’t working anymore.

I don’t even care what it is anymore. I don’t care if it’s something serious. I just want answers and treatment. I can’t lose my job. I need to be okay.

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