There are some things that happen in life that just cannot be properly expressed in words.
I’m not even sure what I want to say, just that I must.
Guilt, pain, fear, worthlessness… There are so many feelings that arise with any of the multiple forms of sexual abuse. And apparently so many feelings that arise for the victim’s friend, too.
This time, it wasn’t me. This is neither good nor bad; it just is.
My best friend got drunk the other night, very drunk, and was taken advantage of. I don’t know much about this in the sense of what can or cannot be done. When I’ve experienced it, I’ve been alone and I’ve done nothing. I don’t even think anything can be done, and in my experience the victim doesn’t want to do anything.
I came home yesterday to multiple people pulling me in every direction. I’m not very strong and I cannot give to several people at once. My best friend will always get my energy before anyone else, but this didn’t even matter this time.
I’m not seeing Deven anymore. There is far too much going on in her life that I want no part of. I had to let her know that I just can’t do it anymore. I was trying to let her know that after work, but instead she showed up at my house and announced that she was pregnant. I don’t know if this is true or not. She’s been sleeping with a man who is engaged. After learning this from Deven, my best friend shows up and tells me that the same man took advantage of her the other night. Then, that man basically tells me that he’s suicidal.
Well, suicidal or not, that man is no longer allowed at my house or anywhere near my friend or myself. And Deven can stay with him if that’s the life she wants. I’m sorry, but I don’t really feel bad for not being there for Deven and that guy after my best friend was hurt.
I know the stages one goes through when something like this happens. The first one is mainly confusion, with guilt underneath. Then the guilt makes its way to the surface, with anger underneath. Anger comes out, and then depression. None of the other feelings go away; they just circle within you and certain ones get stronger or weaker. Add to it the feelings of disgust, filth and worthlessness.
My friend was in the first stage when she told me about what happened. She tried to convince me that she was okay, but I told her to give it some time before she decides if she’s okay or not. I let her know that her feelings might change and that it was okay.
It didn’t take long for her feelings to change. I found her later last night hysterical in her room, sobbing. I climbed into bed with her and held her. She was shaking violently and barely choking out coherent words. I held her tightly and told her that it was not her fault. I reminded her that she was very, very drunk, and that no man or woman has a right to touch someone who is that incapacitated.
I don’t care if someone is sprawled out naked begging for it, if they are drunk, they should not be touched. I feel like this should go without saying. Unless you are in a relationship with someone and it is clear between both people before any drinking is involved, you do not touch someone.
The man, by the way, was sober. So, there is no excuse for this. She was drunk and he “helped” her to her bedroom.
I am angry, and I feel guilty. So, incredibly guilty. I should have known something was wrong. I should have protected her. I should have taken care of my best friend when she was drunk. More than anything, I really should have known. I can’t believe I let this happen.
I’ve already had my friends tell me that I’m not to blame, etc. I know it wasn’t my fault or whatever, but I’m going to feel guilty for a while. Plus, she’s going to go through the angry stage and she is going to blame me for not knowing and not stopping it. On my end, I’m okay with that. She is allowed to feel and express whatever comes up. However, I don’t know how I can be there for her if she gets angry at me.
All of the shit in my life has disappeared. All that matter to me right now is my best friend and getting her through this. I’m rallying a group of our friends to help. They all care deeply and will be here for her.
One of the worst parts of all of this is that her birthday is in 3 days.