The Gauntlet Challenge- Day Seventeen

I’m scared. 

I’m scared I don’t have what it takes to go to college properly. 

I’m scared I don’t have support I may need in classes or just in general. 

I’m scared I won’t be able to afford… anything. 

I’m scared I’m not responsible enough. 

I’m scared I’m not good enough.

I’m scared I’m not capable enough. 

I’m scared I’m not stable enough. 

I’m scared I’m not focused enough. 

I’m scared I’m not disciplined enough. 

I’m scared I’m not independent enough. 

I’m scared I don’t have enough willpower. 

I’m scared I don’t have enough passion. 

I’m scared I don’t have enough motivation. 

I’m scared I don’t have a good enough handle on my anxiety. 

I’m scared I’m not smart enough. 

I’m scared I’m too ignorant. 

I’m scared I’m just setting myself up for colossal failure. 

I’m scared. 

 

Fear: 

Fear is one of the most powerful inhibitors. Fear can keep you in stasis. Fear can ruin your life if you let it. 

The first steps to overcoming fear is recognizing it, acknowledging it, facing it. 

I recognize and acknowledge my fears. I’m damn determined to face them, but I’m going to be scared all the way. 

 

I’m going to fail at giving references here because I’m simply re-exploring things I’ve learned in the past. This does not mean I’m not learning something new. The mind is an incredible tool and one can learn something new by merely thinking, without access to newly introduced information. 

 

Where does fear come from? Fear comes from the past and the future. The past plays the greatest role, because our fears often develop from things which we have experienced before. The future can garner fear, too, because it is unknown and people tend to fear the unfamiliar. 

Almost everything on my list of fears comes from the past. If I allow my fears to consume me, I will always live in the past. 

There are only two things on my list which I would say are not from past experiences- not having support and not having money. 

Support: I have been my own support and relied on myself to get what I need done for many years now. There’s no reason to assume I’ll stop anytime soon. 

Money: Money comes and goes. It is a huge issue, but no matter what’s going on, it will still come and go. I’m not stupid, and I’m fairly creative, so I can and will find a way to manage. Always. 

 

Overcoming Fear: 

As far I’m aware, and from what I’ve learned over the years, the best ways to overcome fear are by A) exposing oneself to the fears, and B) learning. 

Exposure is a common way to overcome fear. There have been many studies on this, none of which I can reference right now. Face what you fear and your anxiety reduces over time. However, if you have bad experiences while facing your fears, that only makes it worse, obviously. 

I used to have a severe anxiety about making phone calls. I know that’s silly, but it is what it is. When I had to sort my hospital bills and search for a roommate, I was forced to make many phone calls. I no longer experience that level of anxiety. It has become just another chore on the to-do list. I don’t like making calls, but I don’t feel like I’ll have a panic attack anymore. 

As for learning being a method of overcoming fears, this one is more personal. Knowledge is power for me. I began experimenting with this when I was a kid. I was deathly afraid of spiders, so I decided to learn about them. Studying spiders helped me overcome my fear of them. 

It’s obvious that learning about something can help eliminate fear. The people who make racist comments about the Muslim flight students at my hotel are just afraid. It still makes me angry, but I know they’re acting out of fear. If they would take the time to learn about the students, they would see that they have nothing to fear. The students at the hotel are Muslim, but they don’t take their religion very seriously at all. They don’t pray the way they’re supposed to, according to their religion. They don’t follow Muslim laws. They act like all the rowdy college boys I’ve ever met, regardless of nationality or religion. Muslim terrorists are religious extremists who attack in the name of their beliefs and their god. These boys don’t care enough about their religion to be terrorists. Rather than being preoccupied with praying and worshiping god, these guys are preoccupied with getting high and having sex. It’s possible they’re not wonderfully moral people, but they are far from terrorists. 

 

Just writing out all my fears and thinking about them is helpful. I already have new ideas for several of my fears, although some of them simply cannot be addressed until I am actually in college and facing them. 

 

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The Gauntlet Challenge- Day Sixteen

I’ve realized that there are far more options available at other colleges. I shouldn’t limit myself to one location. 

I’m thinking of moving to another city soon. This time, I’ll move based on the educational opportunities in the area. 

I’ve looked into a couple different colleges in nearby cities. One of them offers some exciting opportunities. My college here doesn’t offer anything I’m really interested in as a major. I’m just going to take some general classes and get my A.A. But I can finish that here and then move to another city and go to a college there for something I actually want to do. 

It has gotten to the point that there is only one thing keeping me where I am: my house. I love my house; I love its location and convenience, too. But if the only thing keeping me here is a lovely house in a good location, that’s just not enough. I can find another lovely place in another good location in a different city with more options. 

The college I’m interested in offers so much more in terms of science and psychology. Those are the fields of study in which I am interested. 

Goal set! 

 

*I would have provided more information, but I’m not exactly comfortable supplying the entire world with my location and the schools I may be attending. 

The Gauntlet Challenge- Day Thirteen

Still sick, and basically useless. I located the necessary paperwork for admissions. 

I kind of wish I could go back in time and retake my GED. My scores would have been so much better had I actually bothered to study. Going in to take my GED test after years of no schooling or studies was not my brightest idea. 

I’m going to go ahead and share my scores with you. 

1. Language Arts/Reading Skills         Score: 800     Percentile Ranking: 99%

2. Language Arts/Writing Skills          Score: 550      Percentile Ranking: 69%

3. Mathematics                                          Score: 480      Percentile Ranking: 42%

4. Science                                                    Score: 600      Percentile Ranking: 84%

5. Social Studies                                       Score: 550       Percentile Ranking: 69%

Total:                                                                  2980

I could have done so much better. 

Here is a link to some interesting information about GED scores: 

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080226151134AAuCvO5

My average was 596, which lands me in the 501-600 category with an estimated 3.0-3.4 GPA. 

I am a perfectionist. I realize this, and I realize that it has been my biggest downfall in my formal education thus far. 

I was homeschooled until age 14 when I entered public high school. I remember agreeing to it because my brother was also going. I didn’t think I could do it, but I figured if my brother could, I could, too. When my brother went to high school, he had to go in one year behind. I was able to enter 9th grade, right where I was supposed to be. I remember thinking that there was no way I’d be able to handle it if I had to be held back a year. My brother didn’t seem too bothered, though. I was very impressed. 

At the time, I don’t I knew what a perfectionist was, let alone that I was one. I don’t know where it came from. I’m sure someone could read all my entries on here “My Story” and probably give me some ideas of why I might have become a perfectionist, but I suppose it doesn’t even matter at this point. 

I failed my classes and dropped out of high school all because I got a C on a geometry test. I was really struggling in that class because the teacher was just so unhelpful. I don’t know how I decided that a C was a failing grade in my eyes. Perhaps because it’s so close to a D, which is just a disgrace. I often wonder if I would have finished high school had I gotten a B on that test. When I got a C, I gave up. I went to school every day, but I did nothing. I was in English Honors II, and I just gave up on everything. Then I dropped out. 

I did with everything. If my grades weren’t perfect, I gave up and quit. In fact, I knew I did poorly in the math section of my GED, and because of that, I didn’t even bother to go back and get my scores until TWO YEARS later. I had assumed I’d failed, so I didn’t bother finding out. I finally went because curiosity just got the better of me, and I found that I had passed. I was happy, but also disappointed. 

From these reflections, I have realized that I cannot allow this to happen again. I need to accept that I am not perfect and my grades will not always be perfect. I need to accept that I can only do my best, and if it is passing, it will have to be good enough. I hate that term: good enough. 

The Gauntlet Challenge- Day Twelve

I am quite sick, so I spent the day in bed. All I managed to do was fill out and send my transcript request to my old college. I got it done just in time before the mail carrier arrived. 

I was very careful filling out the request. I have such a bad cold. I didn’t want to spread germs onto my request. I washed my hands thoroughly, sneezed and coughed into tissues far away from the paperwork, and sanitized my hands after everything. I was proud of myself for keeping all my germs away from the paperwork. 

But then I licked the envelope. 

Oops. 

The Gauntlet Challenge- Day Eleven

I began the enrollment process into my college today. I wish I could say I did more than just that, but I’m quite sick and feel it’s fairly remarkable that I accomplished anything at all, to be honest. 

I can’t exactly post a reference link here. Any links would possess too much personal information to share online. 

I can, however, talk a bit about what I’ve done. The first few steps of applying are merely providing personal information. Beyond that, I had to determine what sort of student I am. I fall into the category of a transfer student since I’ve attended a college before. I didn’t complete the application because I don’t know my exact “graduation” date, which would be the date I received my GED. I have to look it up, and I’m just too ill to pull out the box where all of that information is stored away. I suppose I should have prepared for this a bit better, but I thought that information wouldn’t come up until later in the process. Now I know. 

I’m going to continue the process tomorrow. I don’t plan to be sick for long (as if anyone plans to be sick). I’ve been dosing myself with multiple meds all day (safely), and I anticipate feeling better tomorrow. Whether I feel better or not, though, I’m still going to finish my application. I’m also going to send out my transcript request to my former college.