The Beauty of Kay

I’ve been wanting to write about Kay; tell you all about her. Now is the time. 


Kay has blown my mind, set my spirit afire, and taught me things that I didn’t know I needed to learn. This is why I’ve fallen for her. 

She and I will not be together. I would surely jump at the opportunity, but she has lost friends in the past because attempted relationships with them have failed. Neither one of us want that to happen. 


Kay and I have grown so close that we can discuss virtually anything and everything without discomfort. She expresses thoughts, emotions and ideas that I’ve either never thought of or that I’ve never found quite the right words to express myself. Being with her feels like “home.” It feels safe. 


God it’s been so long since I’ve felt safe. 


Kay has shown me that I’m capable of connecting with someone other than my ex. Even though she and will never date, will never know what could have been between us beyond our friendship, I deeply appreciate everything that we have and everything that she has given me, shown me, and still is giving and showing me. 


I don’t know if Kay realizes how much she challenges me. She says sometimes she can’t keep up with my mind, but the truth is that most of the time she pushes the boundaries of my mind, and I like that- a lot. 


I also like that we can go out and she can just sing and dance and be real and alive in the moment. She can be silly and so much fun. She makes me laugh harder and more often than anyone else. She also make me think and feel on a level of depth beyond anyone else. 


Kay is amazingly gorgeous… She doesn’t even realize how natural her beauty is. She doesn’t need makeup or fancy clothes to enhance her beauty. She can be in sweatpants and a hoodie, no makeup, messed up hair, and she’s still beautiful. 


Yesterday, her mother and grandmother took photos of her for the holidays. I expected something different when she said “holiday photos.” I expected her and her family to get together and take photos. That’s not what happened. 

Kay spent hours getting dressed up and ready for the photos. She looked amazing. Her mother arrived and they all went outside. Her mother took photos of her in the yard and said that she would photoshop her into holiday family photos. 

I literally felt my heart break a little. Photoshop? Really? 

If that wasn’t enough, her grandmother and mother kept telling her that her smile was ugly and to smile “for real.” My heart broke again. 

Kay can be very silly, which I actually love, but there wasn’t anything wrong with the way she was smiling. 

I felt like her family didn’t accept and appreciate her as she is. It hurt me, for her. 


Kay is one of those people who has gone through life never fully being appreciated. She has endured much in her life, much more than anyone should, and she is stronger and more beautiful for it. I am so grateful to have met her, to know her, to have her in my life. I look forward to all the moment to come, all of the things she will teach me and reveal to me, all of the little things she does: especially all of those “ugly” smiles, because they’re amazing and I love them. 



I have found myself falling irreparably for Kay. 


I’m trying so hard to be the friend and nothing more. Yet, as soon as she looks at me with those big brown eyes, framed by full black lashes… I’m done. 


I’m trying to look at the bright side. If nothing else, these feelings for Kay have at least shown me that I’m capable of healing from what happened with my ex (which still hurts more than I’d like to admit). She’s at least shown me that my ex wasn’t the only person in the world who is so special; who can find a place in my heart. 


Unfortunately now I’m stuck in the same situation: longing for someone who doesn’t want me. 


Kay is not just like my ex. She is her own person and I’m falling for her for different reasons. However, there are some similarities. Kay, like my ex, doesn’t see just how amazing she is. She doesn’t see all of the wonderful little things that make her so special. 


In all things, I have an eye for the details which most don’t notice. Perhaps this is part of it. 


I think I enjoy and value personality quirks in some people that others either don’t notice, don’t like or just take for granted. 


I have to go to work now, but I’m going to post more about this later. I need to get it out of my system. 

Gratitude- 11/18/12

• Coffee- I can’t wait for December, because hot coffee with milk just tastes better around Christmastime.

• My cats- When I wasn’t feeling well yesterday after work, Barrik purred in my face for an hour. Haha. He even licked my face.

• Friendship- April has proven time and time again that she and I will be best friends for life. Erika is such a great friend, and so very much fun to be around. Kay… is amazing. I can’t express my gratitude to her enough.

• Work- I love my job, and even more now with the promotion.

• My coworkers- Some of them have really stepped up to help me in my new position, and I appreciate them so much.

• The government- All faults aside, I have to appreciate the government for the help that I’ve received. I was just approved for food stamps. They even put a rush on mine so I could get them immediately.

• My bike- Two miles to work isn’t much on a bike, but I wouldn’t want to walk it twice a day. I love my bike.

• Autumn- I am absolutely loving this cold weather. I don’t overheat at work anymore, nor on the ride to work.

• Kay- She deserves her own section right now. Kay is always there for me, and she never fails to express her appreciation when I’m there for her.

To Have Someone Care

I haven’t had too many issues with my heart recently. I’ve been feeling pretty good. However, for some reason I had another episode today. I was at work and I got dizzy, then blacked out for a moment. I know that these episodes with my heart are likely stress-induced, for the most part. I’ve been trying to keep myself calm, keep my anxiety low, and not push myself too much physically. Today, it just didn’t work.

I got scared, as I usually do, and I texted Kay. I told her that I blacked out and wasn’t feeling well. She replied immediately, asking if I wanted her to take me to the hospital. I explained it wasn’t that serious. She insisted on coming to get me. She helped me into the car, carried my things, loaded and unloaded my bike, got me home and into bed, and even asked April to keep an eye on me. She texted me less than an hour later to see how I was doing.

She cared. Truly cared. She rushed to my aide. She did everything she could to help me.

Once again she made me feel important.

I remember when I was passing out at work, I’d texted Deven. I told her I was passing out on the sidewalk and couldn’t find a ride home. Deven did nothing. She didn’t care to see if I was okay. She didn’t care to come to the hospital, even when I begged her to. She didn’t think to call April or anyone. It had made me feel truly insignificant in her life. She wasn’t my girlfriend, but she was supposed to be my friend at least.

Kay isn’t my girlfriend, but she made me feel like I mattered. She made me feel like I was the most important thing right then. She had plans this evening, but she was there for me. Luckily I didn’t interfere too much with her plans.

I have the feeling that Kay would do just about anything for me. I don’t know why. I have to be careful what I ask of her because of this. I have to be more aware of her than others. I have to make sure I know she’s not doing too much or giving too much of herself. I have the feeling that she would.

About Kay

She could easily be my best friend.

I spend more time with her than anyone else. We can talk about anything. We are perfectly comfortable around each other.

I took her out to lunch yesterday. She has done so very much for me; I wanted to pay her back in a small way. I was approved for expedited food stamps, which meant that I had a little extra cash to spend.

We went out to a seafood restaurant. She got shrimp and I got fish. We went back to her house and sat in her car just talking. I told her about some of my past. I just felt like I wanted to; like it was the right time. She amazes me every time we talk. The things she says are just…. Right. The depth of which she speaks is incredible.

We walked to a park and sat on the swings to talk some more. Her thoughts and theories impress me and stimulate my mind. We talked for hours. We talked until the sun went down.

When I’m with her, I feel right. I feel like life makes more sense. I feel like I’m allowed to be me. I feel like my past doesn’t matter.

The world slips away and it’s just us.

Kay tells me awkward things that most people wouldn’t admit. I like that, and it makes me laugh. She tells me important things seem to come from a place deep inside her that not many people get to see. She shares things with me that not many others have had the privilege to see. She makes me feel like I can make a difference; like I matter and am important.

Kay is beautiful. She is a beautiful person inside and out. All of my friends keep telling me how gorgeous, adorable and special she is.

I know.

I see it, too. And I see more than they do.

Kay, the Birthday and More

I met this girl recently who just blows my mind. There’s so much more to her than people realize. I know everyone has different levels, but Kay has depth far beyond what you would guess initially meeting her.

The night that I found out about my best friend being taken advantage of, I had texted Kay. I was really upset and I didn’t want to be home or alone. At first, I just asked her if she wanted to hang out. She said she was in bed, but not sleeping. I told her that I kind of just needed a friend and to get out of the house. Her next text simply said that she was on her way.

We went to a restaurant and I bought her a smoothie. We laughed and joked and talked. I wasn’t going to tell her about my best friend’s personal business, but then when I found her crying I had to tell someone. I needed advice. I was so angry and I had to tell that guy something; had to let him know he wasn’t welcome around me or my friend anymore.

I told Kay everything and asked her advice. I’d like to explain the levels of Kay here, and I’m going to try, but I don’t know if I’ll do her justice.

Kay is funny; very, very funny. She and I are always laughing. We had spent the night laughing and joking. Sometimes when she talks, everything comes out backwards or mixed up somehow. It’s hilarious and we just laugh about it.
However, when we started talking about my best friend, without even skipping a beat she said everything perfectly. Her advice was spot on. She offered multiple ideas, each one beautifully spoken. My mind was blown by this new level of her which I’d never seen before.

After that came the birthday plans. Kay cancelled a date in order to spend all of her time helping me make my friend’s birthday perfect. It would have been so stressful without her. She made it fun and she calmed me down when I got stressed. She spent several days coming to my house in the morning and not leaving until late at night. I tried to repay her a bit by helping her study for a test one night.

Kay came to my house early the morning of my friend’s birthday and we decorated the whole place. She helped me blow up balloons, hang banners, write birthday messages on the windows and more. She then had to leave for a morning class. My friend loved the decorations. Kay had helped me pick out a gift, too, which my friend also loved. She helped me make a poster, which was her idea. Then she returned after her class and we all went out to eat and walked around downtown. When I got stressed because my friend seemed to be losing her good mood, Kay said and did exactly the right things and got her all excited again.

We all went to the fair, rode rides and ate greasy fair food. It was a wonderful day and night.

At some point during all this, I asked Kay why she was going above and beyond do help me with this. I asked her if she does this with all of her friends. She said she doesn’t, and that I just seem like a good person who has had a lot of bad stuff happen and she didn’t want this to be something else that went wrong for me. She said I’m trying to do something nice for my friend and we both deserve it to work out.

I didn’t even know what to say. All I could say was thank you.
I didn’t think I’d told her much about myself or my life. I think she is just somewhat intuitive and she picked up on some of it.

In addition to all of that, there are so many little things that she does for me. I don’t know if she realizes that I notice them all, but I do. She opens doors for me, chooses drinks that she knows I like when we’re sharing, gives me first choice with things, and just goes out of her way to make me feel comfortable.

I’m at Kay’s house right now because I texted her late last night. I couldn’t sleep because my neighbors were being very loud. Today is a long, hard and important day at work, and I really needed sleep. Kay came and picked me up so I could get some sleep at her house.

She always there when I need her. I realized this about her that night with my best friend. I had a talk with her about this. I wanted to let her know that I appreciate her and will never take advantage of her kindness. I told her that she can always say no if she needs to. I don’t want her putting my needs above her own. I can tell she’s the type of person to do that. I told her that I will always be here for her, too. This friendship is a two-way street.

I’m sure I’ll blog more about Kay at some point. There is so much to her. She is one person that I cannot fully figure out. This intrigues and confuses me.