Lexie

I want to introduce you all to my gorgeous girlfriend, Lexie, and tell you a bit about her.  

 

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I was just about to move to another city when I met Lexie. I can honestly say she is the reason I stayed here. I had said before, all I needed was just one person worth staying for. I don’t plan to stay here forever, but Lexie is reason enough to stay for the time-being. I can’t live in any place with no one worth spending my time with. I can’t be alone 100% of the time. I need just one person who is intelligent and enjoyable. 

Lexie and I connect on many levels. I can’t even express how important intelligent and intellectual conversation is to me, and I have that with her. Humor is extremely important, as well, and she is hilarious. She makes me laugh all the time. She also sings, plays guitar and signs. I have been wanting to learn sign language for a very long time now, and finally I am learning. She sings and signs songs for me. She teaches me new signs all the time. 

Additionally, Lexie’s parents were abusive and neglectful. We connected there, too, because my mother was also abusive and neglectful. We understand each other because of this. We understand each other’s issues and fears. We understand the difficulties and anxieties that come from pasts like ours. 

Lexie and I haven’t been dating very long, so we don’t want to say “I love you” quite yet. However, we do love each other- we love the people we are, our personalities and quirks. So we started this thing where we say “I love-ish you.”

 

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See? She’s hilarious. 

 

Also, the sex is amazing. It’s the best sex I’ve ever had. It’s wild, passionate and exciting. I am 26 years old. I won’t be able to get away with having adventurous sex for much longer before people won’t excuse it anymore. Years from now, I can say “Oh well I was in my twenties, young and crazy.” You can’t say that anymore once you hit 30! With that said… Lexie and I have had sex in public places. That’s something I’d never done before. We didn’t get caught, thankfully, but it was exciting. I know, I know… I’m being judged by everyone reading this. I don’t care. Sex with Lexie is fantastic and the world should know. 

We have date night every week. We go to the movies, eat out, get drinks, and have sex. I am crazy about her. She is one incredible woman. 

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Autumn Changes

This morning I have a beautiful woman sleeping soundly in my bed. Her long red hair spread out across the pillow; her bright blue eyes closed and dreaming. 

 

I’ve been seeing Lexie for over a month. It’s not very long, but we’ve gotten to know each other quite well. I met her online. When we first started talking, I was drawn to her sense of humor and ability to discuss philosophy. On our first date, she brought me tiramisu because she knows it’s my favorite dessert. We slept together on our second date. A month later, she is moving in. 

Clearly, we are moving very fast. We both know and understand the risks of moving so quickly. She wouldn’t actually be moving in right now, but she had to move out of her old place and had nowhere else to go. She has been living with her grandmother since she was a teenager. I don’t want to speak poorly of her family on here, but I will say that it is mentally and emotionally unhealthy for her to continue living with her grandmother at this time and that is why she must move out. 

I ended things with Shanna as soon as I met Lexie because it was obvious that Shanna and I just weren’t clicking, and Lexie and I were great together. Shanna and I are still friends. Mel and I are having trouble with the time difference and each of us dating other people. She is seeing a girl named Chloe. 

I don’t know what will happen between me and Mel. We still love each other; we always will. We can’t be together, so we’re seeing other people whom we both really like. It’s still very hard on us. I have done well saving money, so I am confident that I will have enough money saved to visit her in Australia next year in July. I want to go for her birthday (July 16).  I don’t know if Lexie and I will still be together in a year, or if Mel and Chloe will. I don’t think that either of us should be in a relationship when I visit. 

 

I have been working two jobs for a little while now. My second job is elderly care. I take care of a sweet 92-year-old woman named Jean. That job has become my main source of income, and I love it. I love Jean and I love the work I do there. Some days I work up to 14 hours a day between the two jobs. I was afraid this would happen if I got a second job. I am a workaholic and I have a hard time prioritizing my health and well-being over financial gain. I am admittedly money-obsessed. I would say money is the only thing I hoard. I’m great at saving money; I always have been. I think it’s because I grew up in poverty. I’m not making millions, but I’m making enough to feel secure and not worry about emergencies. 

Speaking of emergencies, my cat got sick recently and I had to take him to the vet. It was the most wonderful feeling to be able to make an appointment and have the funds to treat him immediately. If I had still been living in my old place under my mother, I would have had to just wait out his illness. My mother wouldn’t have thought he was sick enough to even go to the vet. The way I feel about my independence here, especially financial independence, is simply indescribable. Hence my obsession with money and being a workaholic. 

 

I also have another roommate. His name is Brett and he’s a 19-year-old gay boy. I say “boy” because he’s still very much a child. He is not my ideal roommate, but he’s not too bad. 

 

All in all, I am very happy. Life is wonderful right now. Lexie makes me happy. Every other girl I’ve dated since moving here has not officially made it to the “girlfriend” status. I called them my girlfriends sometimes just because it was easier than trying to explain the causal dating thing every time, but Lexie and I are actually official. I asked her to be my girlfriend on June 23rd. 

 

That is all for now. Thank you for reading. 

Date Night and Love

For nearly a week I have been overly excited about my date tonight. Shanna is coming over and we are going to watch movies and drink and eat and just stay up all night having fun. I have been impatiently waiting for today to arrive. All week I have been looking forward to this. 

That was, until my ex fiance, Mel, scared me senseless. Something had happened and I was scared for her safety. 

Now, for those of you who don’t know, my ex lives in Australia. We love each other, but we can’t be together, so we have both been dating other people. I guess our relationship is a bit odd in that we admittedly love each other, but still tell each other all about our dates and such. But she is my best friend. 

Unfortunately, she’s not just my best friend. She is everything. She is my favorite person; the most important person. 

The time difference and distance between us is difficult, even for friendship. I knew something bad was going on, but her phone stopped working and I had to spend hours not knowing if she was okay. The thought of potentially losing her pretty much sent me into hysterics. Losing her would be my absolute greatest fear. It would completely destroy me. 

Luckily her phone started working again this morning and she is okay. But the last 24 hours of fear and concern have me not even wanting to go through with my date tonight. 

How am I supposed to date and see people when my heart is in Australia with someone I can’t be with? What am I supposed to do? My love for Mel grows stronger every day instead of lessening with time. Time is supposed to heal and strengthen. People are supposed to move on in time. I don’t seem to be able to do that. 

It’s been almost a year since we broke up due to the distance and not being able to be together. And I love her more now than I did a year ago, and will love her more still tomorrow. 

I’ve tucked her away in a special place in my heart that has allowed me to date other people and call Mel my friend. But things like this pull her out of that place and put her above everything and everyone else, so all I can see or feel or think about is her. 

I need to get her back into that place in my heart so I can enjoy my date with someone else tonight… but I don’t want to. All I want is Mel. To talk to her, to hear her voice, see her face, feel her touch.

And to never, ever lose her. 

Sex

Why are all things sex so uncomfortable for people?

Whether it is gender, sexual orientation or intercourse, it seems to make so many people uncomfortable. 

I have a friend who is transgender. She has transitioned from male to female. Her name is Sophie. 

I was interviewing a potential roommate who is a man. His name is Vinny. It was pretty clear from the beginning that he found me attractive, so I had to make sure he knew and was able to accept that I am gay. As things got more serious, I also needed to make sure he would be respectful to my friends. Sophie has been through hell in her transition and she is very sensitive. Vinny and I were discussing friendships and possible visitors, what was allowed, etc. I told him about Sophie and asked if he would have a problem with her. 

This conversation ensued: 

Vinny- “You mean she’s a girl with a dick?” 

Me- “I wouldn’t know; I’ve never seen her naked.” 

Vinny- “Haha, good one. It would be okay, but there would be boundaries.”

Me- “Boundaries?” 

Vinny- “I don’t judge anyone. I don’t mind gay guys as long as they don’t hit on me. So, I just don’t want her hitting on me.” 

Me- “Yeah I feel ya. I don’t mind straight guys as long as they don’t hit on me, either. So, I’m right there with ya. 😉 ” 

*I was trying to make a point there. 

Vinny- “I love lesbians, though! I’m a lesbian! Lol” 

Me- “Haha yeah Sophie is a lesbian, too.” 

 

Sigh. The ignorance is appalling to me. First of all, why is it perfectly acceptable for men to hit on me when I’m gay, but it’s SO unacceptable for a gay man to hit on a straight man? Hypocrisy much? Secondly, a lesbian is defined as a homosexual woman. Homosexual is defined as a person who is sexually attracted to people of their own sex. Why do straight men say they’re lesbians? That makes no sense at all. 

Now, on the topic of gender, why is it so outrageous for someone to feel more masculine or more feminine? Why do men HAVE to be masculine and women HAVE to be feminine? 

As I was typing this, a little girl just asked a man why he is wearing pink. He asked the little girl why she’s wearing pink and she replied “Because I’m a girl.” Even a small child is shocked by someone stepping out of the gender box in such a small way as wearing a pink jacket. This saddens me. 

To assign attributes to such a broad spectrum is to say that no one is an individual. People are not all alike. Not all girls like pink. Not all boys like blue. Not all girls like dolls. Not all boys like action figures. 

Growing up, I hated pink, dolls and dresses. I wore my brother’s clothes and played with cars with him. I didn’t care about my hair or nails. I never wanted to play house with my friends. Hell, I didn’t even know what playing house was. 

As an adult, I like dresses and pale shades of pink. I like doing my hair, nails and makeup. I love wearing heels and being very “girly.” I am quite feminine. But I can be masculine, too. Sometimes I just don’t feel like doing my hair, and I want to lounge around in baggy clothes and drink beer with the guys. I am quite unattractive in that state, but I don’t care in the least.

I don’t think it’s weird for me to sometimes wear heels and other times wear boy’s shoes. No one else thinks it’s weird either. But god forbid a MAN ever want to feel pretty and wear a dress! That is just completely unacceptable. A man has to be just that- a man- no matter what he feels inside. In addition to this concept, it is also completely unacceptable for a woman to want to BE a man. She can dress like one (usually only if she’s pretty, though), but she cannot actually become one. 

People are just not that simple. 

Most people won’t even consider what it would be like to be the opposite sex. They won’t ask themselves “Is there a possibility that I might actually like being a man/woman?” No. If you ask someone that question, they will usually snap NO before their brain has even had time to process it. It’s just too outlandish of a concept. 

Personally, I enjoy being a woman. However, I could enjoy being a man, too. I am not afraid to say that. There are perks to being a woman and perks to being a man. I could enjoy being either. I’m content with being a woman, though, and would never consider a sex change because I don’t feel like I AM male.

Sophie IS female. She feels so strongly inside that she is a woman that she is willing to go through extensive procedures just to be comfortable in her own skin. 

Can you imagine looking in the mirror every day and just feeling sickened by your own reflection? I bet a lot of you can imagine that. Many people feel this way, for many different reasons. A lot of severely obese people are sickened by their reflections to the point that they become willing to undergo all sorts of procedures to lose weight. Society accepts that, though. But if they want a vagina instead of a penis, that’s not okay. There’s something wrong with that. 

 

I still cannot believe that sexual orientation is such a big issue in 2013. It is as big of an issue as interracial marriage once was. 

If two men kissing grosses you out, don’t gawk. Maybe a 70-year-old couple kissing grosses you out. What do you do then? Yell? Throw things? Degrade them? No… That would be horrible. They’re old. You can’t be rude to old people. But being rude to gay people is alright? 

Kids generally don’t want to see their parents kiss, but it happens and it’s not unacceptable. Interracial coupling is widely accepted now. Gays are becoming more accepted. Transgenders are next. 

I have never been able to understand why it is anyone’s business when two consenting adults become a couple. 

I myself am gay, for all intents and purposes. In reality, I just like people and it doesn’t matter what sex they are. I could be attracted to a man, but the likelihood of that happening is so minuscule that I just stick with saying that I’m gay. A man would probably have to be very feminine for me to be physically attracted to him. There are very feminine straight men, but I haven’t met many of them yet. 

 

Now, intercourse… If I were to talk about sex on my blog without holding back, I bet I would get a lot of judgement. I might find out, because I’m ready to stop holding back on anything on my blog. 

So many people judge someone for having sex. Or for not having sex! I was judged for being a virgin until I was 20. I was judged for who I had sex with. I was judged when I’d only had sex with two people. I would be judged for having sex with 20 people. It’s just a lose-lose situation. No matter what you do, if sex is the topic you are doing it wrong! 

I have no judgment in sex. If you’ve slept with 500 people, I don’t care. If you’ve slept with one person, I don’t care. If you’ve never had sex, I don’t care. If you’ve had sex with a man, I don’t care. If you’ve had sex with a woman, I don’t care. If you’ve had sex with several people at the same time while tied up and blindfolded, I don’t care. The only sexual activities that are my concern are my own. And my sexual activities shouldn’t be anyone else’s concern. 

The way I sometimes talk can make me sound like a slut, or a player. But the fact of the matter is, I’m quite inexperienced in sex and I have never cheated on anyone, nor would I ever. I lost my virginity to my friend Alex while I was dating someone else. I was in an open relationship. No one got hurt, cheated on or lied to. Everyone was in the loop, and I have never once felt bad about it. I am currently dating two women. I am not in a relationship with either of them. One of them is in an open relationship with another girl. The other one may or may not be seeing other people. It doesn’t really matter to me because she’s not my girlfriend. I have a friends with benefits relationship with two other women who are getting married soon (I’m sure our benefits will stop when they marry). 

In consenting adult relationships, I don’t think there is a single thing wrong with having sex or experimenting sexually. Everyone is different and our preferences are different. Some people only want the normal, traditional type of relationship. Others want the complete opposite. 

I have been in love, engaged and very ready and willing to settle down with that one person for the rest of my life. That would have been a dream come true, and someday I will fall in love again and plan my future that way. Right now, though, I am not in love and I am enjoying dating these women. They are friends before anything else. They will still be friends when we are no longer dating or having sex. I can easily be monogamous or polygamous. In the end, I know I’ll only love and want to be with one person. That won’t be until I am in love again, though. 

 

Okay, enough of that. I just had to vent some of my thoughts on sex. 

Impossible Women

I’ve deduced that I only go after impossible women.

Exhibit A: Stella- The first female relationship I had. She was moving to another state when we started seeing each other. I knew it. Our relationship didn’t even last long enough to count.

Exhibit B: Sarah- Female relationship number two. She was Canadian, only visiting Florida. We lasted the summer until she returned to Canada.

Exhibit C: Mel- My Australian love. Most know how that went from my other blog. For those of you who don’t, it was an online relationship of video-chatting, emailing, texting and calling. I don’t even know if a friendship is left of it.

Exhibit D: My current interest. She’s seeing someone else. She only likes me as a friend, and worst of all… I think I’m on my way to hindering our friendship with my feelings for her.

Clearly I need to branch out to available and accessible women.

Memories/ Depression

I got up this morning, made coffee and tasted a memory.

I drew the curtains, stretched and felt a memory.

I turned on the radio and heard a memory.

I’m not homesick for my old place, but I’m homesick for those tastes, feelings and sounds.

I’m homesick for some of those old memories.

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Interesting how I had more hope for the future back in that wasteland I came from.
Suppose all one can have is hope for something better when one has nothing at all.

I didn’t cry this morning. My depression is getting better. It’s going away.
As I’ve said before in reference to managing bipolar disorder without medication, there are certain things that one must have and do. I finally have the support system I’ve needed. It does no good to hold everything in and not talk about it. I have April, Jessica, Deven, Daniel, and my girl. Of course, my depression comes from missing her, but being able to tell her and talk to her about it helps. She cared about me. She misses me. She’s trying to be there for me. All of that helps.

I wish my support system was a little bit stronger, but I’m grateful for what I have and I’m smart enough and strong enough to know and do what I have to in order to pull out of it.
And if worse comes to worse, I know when I’m bad enough that I have to seek professional help. I almost reached that point. I almost gave in and went to a doctor. I think I’m okay, though. I don’t think I need to do that. I just have to follow my own advise. I’ve dealt with this before and I have to remember that. I have to force myself to do things and take care of myself.

I don’t think I’ll stop missing her. I don’t think I’ll get over her. She wasn’t just my girlfriend; she was my best friend, my lover, my partner, my soulmate, my other half. One doesn’t just move on from that.

What kills me is that everything would be different and she would be mine if we weren’t nearly 10,000 miles apart.

We talked last night and she apparently didn’t realize that my depression stems from her. She thought I was dating and moving on. She doesn’t seem to realize how special she is; how no one in America will ever compare to her. How can they? She’s too perfect. She is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner. I appreciate all of her strengths, weaknesses, quirks and qualities. She’s not “too much” or “too little” of anything.

Next month is going to be the hardest for me. I’m going to fall apart for a little while. I know she’s not coming, and it’s going to kill me. She was supposed to be here for Thanksgiving. The holiday is going to be really hard now without her here.

But I’ll be okay.

Autumn

Today feels like the first day of fall. It is blissfully cool, and I feel so happy. I love this time of year. I wish it could be like this almost year-round.

So, I went to the doctor on Saturday and the ruled out low blood sugar being my issue. They basically said I seemed healthy. I knew this would happen. They did order blood work, though. They’re testing my thyroid, too. I won’t get those results for two weeks.

My boss, managers and coworkers are being really nice and understanding about my medical issues. I’ve been cut down to only three days a week, but I’m not losing my job at least.

I’ve been seeing this girl, Deven, for a little while now. She knows all about my ex and she knows I’m not even remotely over her, so we’ve been casually dating and basically just spending time together. It’s been very nice. I like her more than I thought I would.

Our first date was dinner at her house. Our second date was a passion party at my friend’s house. That was pretty hilarious. Our third date was at the beach at night. We went skinny dipping. That was interesting, exhilarating, and the night was beautiful. She spent the night last night. We didn’t have sex. Neither of us are ready for anything like that. But we fell asleep in each others arms. I woke up this morning and curled up on her chest, listening to her breathing.

She is fun; she is sweet. I enjoy spending time with her. Our first kiss was kind of amazing. My friends and I had a cookout at our place and Deven spent the night. During the cookout she sent me a text and said that she wanted to kiss me but there were so many people around. I went inside and she was holding hamburger buns. She asked if she should bring them out. I cut her off and kissed her. We also kissed on the beach. That was amazing, too.

Today feels like a good day, and I am going to enjoy it.