Sex

Why are all things sex so uncomfortable for people?

Whether it is gender, sexual orientation or intercourse, it seems to make so many people uncomfortable. 

I have a friend who is transgender. She has transitioned from male to female. Her name is Sophie. 

I was interviewing a potential roommate who is a man. His name is Vinny. It was pretty clear from the beginning that he found me attractive, so I had to make sure he knew and was able to accept that I am gay. As things got more serious, I also needed to make sure he would be respectful to my friends. Sophie has been through hell in her transition and she is very sensitive. Vinny and I were discussing friendships and possible visitors, what was allowed, etc. I told him about Sophie and asked if he would have a problem with her. 

This conversation ensued: 

Vinny- “You mean she’s a girl with a dick?” 

Me- “I wouldn’t know; I’ve never seen her naked.” 

Vinny- “Haha, good one. It would be okay, but there would be boundaries.”

Me- “Boundaries?” 

Vinny- “I don’t judge anyone. I don’t mind gay guys as long as they don’t hit on me. So, I just don’t want her hitting on me.” 

Me- “Yeah I feel ya. I don’t mind straight guys as long as they don’t hit on me, either. So, I’m right there with ya. 😉 ” 

*I was trying to make a point there. 

Vinny- “I love lesbians, though! I’m a lesbian! Lol” 

Me- “Haha yeah Sophie is a lesbian, too.” 

 

Sigh. The ignorance is appalling to me. First of all, why is it perfectly acceptable for men to hit on me when I’m gay, but it’s SO unacceptable for a gay man to hit on a straight man? Hypocrisy much? Secondly, a lesbian is defined as a homosexual woman. Homosexual is defined as a person who is sexually attracted to people of their own sex. Why do straight men say they’re lesbians? That makes no sense at all. 

Now, on the topic of gender, why is it so outrageous for someone to feel more masculine or more feminine? Why do men HAVE to be masculine and women HAVE to be feminine? 

As I was typing this, a little girl just asked a man why he is wearing pink. He asked the little girl why she’s wearing pink and she replied “Because I’m a girl.” Even a small child is shocked by someone stepping out of the gender box in such a small way as wearing a pink jacket. This saddens me. 

To assign attributes to such a broad spectrum is to say that no one is an individual. People are not all alike. Not all girls like pink. Not all boys like blue. Not all girls like dolls. Not all boys like action figures. 

Growing up, I hated pink, dolls and dresses. I wore my brother’s clothes and played with cars with him. I didn’t care about my hair or nails. I never wanted to play house with my friends. Hell, I didn’t even know what playing house was. 

As an adult, I like dresses and pale shades of pink. I like doing my hair, nails and makeup. I love wearing heels and being very “girly.” I am quite feminine. But I can be masculine, too. Sometimes I just don’t feel like doing my hair, and I want to lounge around in baggy clothes and drink beer with the guys. I am quite unattractive in that state, but I don’t care in the least.

I don’t think it’s weird for me to sometimes wear heels and other times wear boy’s shoes. No one else thinks it’s weird either. But god forbid a MAN ever want to feel pretty and wear a dress! That is just completely unacceptable. A man has to be just that- a man- no matter what he feels inside. In addition to this concept, it is also completely unacceptable for a woman to want to BE a man. She can dress like one (usually only if she’s pretty, though), but she cannot actually become one. 

People are just not that simple. 

Most people won’t even consider what it would be like to be the opposite sex. They won’t ask themselves “Is there a possibility that I might actually like being a man/woman?” No. If you ask someone that question, they will usually snap NO before their brain has even had time to process it. It’s just too outlandish of a concept. 

Personally, I enjoy being a woman. However, I could enjoy being a man, too. I am not afraid to say that. There are perks to being a woman and perks to being a man. I could enjoy being either. I’m content with being a woman, though, and would never consider a sex change because I don’t feel like I AM male.

Sophie IS female. She feels so strongly inside that she is a woman that she is willing to go through extensive procedures just to be comfortable in her own skin. 

Can you imagine looking in the mirror every day and just feeling sickened by your own reflection? I bet a lot of you can imagine that. Many people feel this way, for many different reasons. A lot of severely obese people are sickened by their reflections to the point that they become willing to undergo all sorts of procedures to lose weight. Society accepts that, though. But if they want a vagina instead of a penis, that’s not okay. There’s something wrong with that. 

 

I still cannot believe that sexual orientation is such a big issue in 2013. It is as big of an issue as interracial marriage once was. 

If two men kissing grosses you out, don’t gawk. Maybe a 70-year-old couple kissing grosses you out. What do you do then? Yell? Throw things? Degrade them? No… That would be horrible. They’re old. You can’t be rude to old people. But being rude to gay people is alright? 

Kids generally don’t want to see their parents kiss, but it happens and it’s not unacceptable. Interracial coupling is widely accepted now. Gays are becoming more accepted. Transgenders are next. 

I have never been able to understand why it is anyone’s business when two consenting adults become a couple. 

I myself am gay, for all intents and purposes. In reality, I just like people and it doesn’t matter what sex they are. I could be attracted to a man, but the likelihood of that happening is so minuscule that I just stick with saying that I’m gay. A man would probably have to be very feminine for me to be physically attracted to him. There are very feminine straight men, but I haven’t met many of them yet. 

 

Now, intercourse… If I were to talk about sex on my blog without holding back, I bet I would get a lot of judgement. I might find out, because I’m ready to stop holding back on anything on my blog. 

So many people judge someone for having sex. Or for not having sex! I was judged for being a virgin until I was 20. I was judged for who I had sex with. I was judged when I’d only had sex with two people. I would be judged for having sex with 20 people. It’s just a lose-lose situation. No matter what you do, if sex is the topic you are doing it wrong! 

I have no judgment in sex. If you’ve slept with 500 people, I don’t care. If you’ve slept with one person, I don’t care. If you’ve never had sex, I don’t care. If you’ve had sex with a man, I don’t care. If you’ve had sex with a woman, I don’t care. If you’ve had sex with several people at the same time while tied up and blindfolded, I don’t care. The only sexual activities that are my concern are my own. And my sexual activities shouldn’t be anyone else’s concern. 

The way I sometimes talk can make me sound like a slut, or a player. But the fact of the matter is, I’m quite inexperienced in sex and I have never cheated on anyone, nor would I ever. I lost my virginity to my friend Alex while I was dating someone else. I was in an open relationship. No one got hurt, cheated on or lied to. Everyone was in the loop, and I have never once felt bad about it. I am currently dating two women. I am not in a relationship with either of them. One of them is in an open relationship with another girl. The other one may or may not be seeing other people. It doesn’t really matter to me because she’s not my girlfriend. I have a friends with benefits relationship with two other women who are getting married soon (I’m sure our benefits will stop when they marry). 

In consenting adult relationships, I don’t think there is a single thing wrong with having sex or experimenting sexually. Everyone is different and our preferences are different. Some people only want the normal, traditional type of relationship. Others want the complete opposite. 

I have been in love, engaged and very ready and willing to settle down with that one person for the rest of my life. That would have been a dream come true, and someday I will fall in love again and plan my future that way. Right now, though, I am not in love and I am enjoying dating these women. They are friends before anything else. They will still be friends when we are no longer dating or having sex. I can easily be monogamous or polygamous. In the end, I know I’ll only love and want to be with one person. That won’t be until I am in love again, though. 

 

Okay, enough of that. I just had to vent some of my thoughts on sex. 

Being Gay

**In case the title isn’t enough, this post has some content that may not be suitable for all audiences. **

 

It’s weird to me how long it took for me to realize and accept that I was gay. I even spent all of my adolescence fervently denying that there was even a possibility that I might prefer women. I know that came from the shame imposed upon me religiously and socially, though. It was “unnatural” and “wrong” for me to like women.

I dated boys in high school and wondered each time why I couldn’t stand them after about a week. They were alright from a distance, but as soon as they were close, we were close, I couldn’t stand them.

Kissing was outright disturbing. By adulthood I had just accepted that I was strange and didn’t like kissing. I had no idea why everyone liked it so much. My friends in school wanted details and wanted to know how “great” it was kissing whichever guy. I lied to them. I pretended I was “normal” and I gave them details that I thought they wanted- I basically repeated what they’d said about their boyfriends or what I’d heard people say on TV or in books.

Funny thing is, most of my female friends in school were bisexual. It’s not like it was their judgement I was afraid of. They would have accepted me as gay or straight or bisexual. No one else would have, though.

I was raised in a religious family. The religion itself was fine. My family didn’t impose any fanatical rituals or outlandish religious expectations. It’s just religion in general does not accept homosexuality. I was taught that I was inferior and should beg God for forgiveness if I didn’t fall in line with what was normal and expected. I’ve always taken issue with certain aspects of religion, but religion is not the topic of this post. Just to be clear on the note of religion- I accept everyone’s personal beliefs and do not judge. If anyone religious is reading this, just know that I’m not intentionally bashing religion; I’m merely being honest in its role in my life.

Back on topic…

I remember at age 12 trying to play a game with a couple girl friends. I don’t remember the name of the game, but it was about boys and crushes. The board was round and there were pictures of boys lining the rim. My friends were trying to teach me how to play. They told me to pick the boys I liked. My response was “How am I supposed to know if I like them? I don’t know them. They are just photos.” My friends, getting frustrated, said to pick the ones I thought were cute. That just made it even harder for me. I wanted to know how to figure out if they were cute, handsome, whatever. My friends grew so annoyed that they weren’t even going to allow me to play the game, so I finally just chose a few guys randomly.

I encountered things like this constantly. I would go to the movies with my friends and they would swoon over the men in the films. Then there was me. I was either faking it and just copying them so I wouldn’t seem weird while secretly enjoying the women in the films, or if I couldn’t be convincing enough I would say the men weren’t my type. Of course they weren’t my type, they were men!

I think most parents try to prevent their children from being sexually active for as long as possible. My dislike of men and being close to them didn’t keep me from dating, but rather made me want to date even more in order to “get used it” and be normal. I didn’t actually lose my virginity until I was an adult, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything in the meantime. I had it in my mind that the more I kissed (etc.) guys the quicker I would “get over” my aversion and be like everyone else.

I suffered depression in high school and spent a lot of time with doctors and therapists. I discussed dating and boys with them. I remember one doctor specifically who really angered me. He told me all I needed was a boyfriend and that would solve all my problems. I was enraged (overreaction much?). I had told him that I was taking a break from dating because I wanted to focus on my mental health, school, family, etc. His response was to tell me to get a boyfriend?! I may have cursed at him…

I don’t think some people realize or think about how deeply it affects someone to be denied the right to be attracted to whomever they are attracted to. In recent years with the anti-bullying campaigns it is being talked about more and more, but I know there are still straight people who just don’t understand that even without bullying there is a deeply internal struggle going on that actually has an impact on one’s life.

Since most of my friends were bisexual, everyone else assumed I was, too. That didn’t bother me at all. I never ridiculed anyone for being gay or bisexual, but I also never admitted that I might not be straight. My parents were nice to gay people and never put them down to their faces, but as soon as they weren’t around my parents would ridicule them and rant about how disgusting and sinful they were. They would pray for their souls and try to get me to agree with their opinions. No matter how much I denied that I was gay, I would never say I believed it was wrong, disgusting or sinful. I was actively standing up for gay rights and equality long before I was even remotely willing to admit to myself or society that I was gay.

I had those little kid crushes just like most people did when they were young, but I never realized they were crushes because they were all on girls. Everyone just assumed I was a “late bloomer” because I showed no interest in boys until I forced myself to find some sort of attraction so that I could fit in. Being gay was just out of the question.

I lost my virginity at 21 to my best guy friend. Shortly after that I began dating another guy and even moved in with him. I never kissed either of those guys. I tried kissing the guy I moved in with, but he clearly wasn’t going to kiss a girl who cringed every time.

I never enjoyed sex, kissing or any physical contact. I have to wonder why that guy stayed in a relationship with me. He knew I was never aroused my him. He tried everything from experimentation to pills. Nothing worked.

I went to another doctor and explained that I could not enjoy sex or any physical contact with my boyfriend. The only thing they could think of was that I must have been sexually abused. Well, I have been sexually abused, but I probably wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t been having all these issues with sex. My inability to enjoy any sort of contact with men came long before any sexual abuse. In my attempts to be “normal” I ended up putting myself in compromising situations where I could be hurt.

I often imagine how much different life would have been for me if I’d been allowed to just be myself and be accepted. Homosexuality is still so “different” to people that my doctors couldn’t even think that maybe I just don’t like men! It must be that I’ve been abused. That’s the only option they could come up with.

Now when people try to tell me that I just haven’t met the right guy (I truly despise that statement), I tell them to imagine making out with their grandparent and see if they could just find the “right” grandparent. Disturbing, I know. That is how I feel when I consider being with a man. It’s so disturbing and uncomfortable for me that consensual sex with my boyfriend felt like rape. No one should have to go through that just to be accepted by society.

The first time I kissed a girl I realized that I did in fact enjoy kissing. I had always thought that kissing a woman would be the same as kissing a man. I don’t know why I thought that, but I did. After that, I decided to identify as bisexual because I still wasn’t fully ready to be 100% disgraced by society. I know this may seem dramatic to some people, but my locale has a lot to do with it. The people in my area are not at all accepting of homosexuality. There are some places in the US that are more accepting and my area is just not one of them. So, it truthfully is “that” dramatic.

Coming out to my mother was the hardest part. I didn’t want her to try using an illogical argument based in religion, so I sort of laid it out twice as hard on her by also telling her that I no longer believe in the religion and God that she raised me with. Her life revolves around her religion, so she was incapable of finding any other reason than God saying homosexuality is wrong, despite my personal beliefs and my requests to leave religion out of it. She said it’s disgusting for two women to be together. I told her it was disgusting to me to be with a man but I don’t judge her or any other straight couple. She told me that I needed to just marry a man and get over it. I called her a hypocrite because she has always preached true love and finding the right person who makes you happy and fulfills your life and needs.

It has been a few years now since I came out to her and she has put in the effort to understand and accept me. She likely won’t ever fully understand or accept me, but I know she is trying and I appreciate her efforts.

I no longer deny who I am or who I’m attracted to. I refuse to be degraded or disrespected for being attracted to women instead of men. And after several long years, I am finally completely “out of the closet.” Anyone who doesn’t know I’m gay just simply doesn’t know me very well. It’s not like I begin every conversation with “I’m gay, just so you know.”

I suppose being openly gay is still fairly new to me. It was only this year that the word got out. My mother has tried very hard to show me that she accepts me and to not be ashamed of me, so this year she started telling everyone she knows that her daughter is gay. She even started calling my distant relatives around the country and telling them that I’m gay and in a relationship with a woman. This seems wrong to some people, but I don’t mind. I certainly won’t be calling people just to tell them. I only discuss it when it’s relevant. It became more relevant when my relationship became more serious.

I’m still scared that my sexual orientation will affect something important like my job, but so far it hasn’t come up. I guess I’m sort of hoping it won’t come up because I don’t want judgement at work. I will be honest if it does come up, though.

I look forward to a day when people won’t have to worry about judgement or possibly even losing their jobs because of their sexual orientation, but I fear that day is a long way off. As one national community we are making progress in acceptance and equality, but there is still so much hatred, ignorance and intolerance.

Whether someone is gay, straight or bisexual shouldn’t garner judgement from anyone. People are just people. We’re going to be attracted to whatever attracts us. If sexual orientation was a choice, I would actually choose to be bisexual. It makes the most sense to me to just like “people” regardless of their gender. It is not a choice, though, and I am gay.

On a final note I would like to say that I am not someone who actively protests in rainbow colored clothing. I’m all for gay rights and equality, obviously, but I mostly just want to live my life. I stand up for anyone being degraded or abused, but I don’t seek out opportunities to wave a flag or hold a sign. “Gay pride” is something I don’t understand. Are straight people “proud” to be straight? Being gay doesn’t define me, it’s only one part of who I am. It’s a big part of who I am to other people, but that’s because they find it strange to see me with a woman.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read a bit about my personal life.