Lexie

I want to introduce you all to my gorgeous girlfriend, Lexie, and tell you a bit about her.  

 

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I was just about to move to another city when I met Lexie. I can honestly say she is the reason I stayed here. I had said before, all I needed was just one person worth staying for. I don’t plan to stay here forever, but Lexie is reason enough to stay for the time-being. I can’t live in any place with no one worth spending my time with. I can’t be alone 100% of the time. I need just one person who is intelligent and enjoyable. 

Lexie and I connect on many levels. I can’t even express how important intelligent and intellectual conversation is to me, and I have that with her. Humor is extremely important, as well, and she is hilarious. She makes me laugh all the time. She also sings, plays guitar and signs. I have been wanting to learn sign language for a very long time now, and finally I am learning. She sings and signs songs for me. She teaches me new signs all the time. 

Additionally, Lexie’s parents were abusive and neglectful. We connected there, too, because my mother was also abusive and neglectful. We understand each other because of this. We understand each other’s issues and fears. We understand the difficulties and anxieties that come from pasts like ours. 

Lexie and I haven’t been dating very long, so we don’t want to say “I love you” quite yet. However, we do love each other- we love the people we are, our personalities and quirks. So we started this thing where we say “I love-ish you.”

 

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See? She’s hilarious. 

 

Also, the sex is amazing. It’s the best sex I’ve ever had. It’s wild, passionate and exciting. I am 26 years old. I won’t be able to get away with having adventurous sex for much longer before people won’t excuse it anymore. Years from now, I can say “Oh well I was in my twenties, young and crazy.” You can’t say that anymore once you hit 30! With that said… Lexie and I have had sex in public places. That’s something I’d never done before. We didn’t get caught, thankfully, but it was exciting. I know, I know… I’m being judged by everyone reading this. I don’t care. Sex with Lexie is fantastic and the world should know. 

We have date night every week. We go to the movies, eat out, get drinks, and have sex. I am crazy about her. She is one incredible woman. 

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Autumn Changes

This morning I have a beautiful woman sleeping soundly in my bed. Her long red hair spread out across the pillow; her bright blue eyes closed and dreaming. 

 

I’ve been seeing Lexie for over a month. It’s not very long, but we’ve gotten to know each other quite well. I met her online. When we first started talking, I was drawn to her sense of humor and ability to discuss philosophy. On our first date, she brought me tiramisu because she knows it’s my favorite dessert. We slept together on our second date. A month later, she is moving in. 

Clearly, we are moving very fast. We both know and understand the risks of moving so quickly. She wouldn’t actually be moving in right now, but she had to move out of her old place and had nowhere else to go. She has been living with her grandmother since she was a teenager. I don’t want to speak poorly of her family on here, but I will say that it is mentally and emotionally unhealthy for her to continue living with her grandmother at this time and that is why she must move out. 

I ended things with Shanna as soon as I met Lexie because it was obvious that Shanna and I just weren’t clicking, and Lexie and I were great together. Shanna and I are still friends. Mel and I are having trouble with the time difference and each of us dating other people. She is seeing a girl named Chloe. 

I don’t know what will happen between me and Mel. We still love each other; we always will. We can’t be together, so we’re seeing other people whom we both really like. It’s still very hard on us. I have done well saving money, so I am confident that I will have enough money saved to visit her in Australia next year in July. I want to go for her birthday (July 16).  I don’t know if Lexie and I will still be together in a year, or if Mel and Chloe will. I don’t think that either of us should be in a relationship when I visit. 

 

I have been working two jobs for a little while now. My second job is elderly care. I take care of a sweet 92-year-old woman named Jean. That job has become my main source of income, and I love it. I love Jean and I love the work I do there. Some days I work up to 14 hours a day between the two jobs. I was afraid this would happen if I got a second job. I am a workaholic and I have a hard time prioritizing my health and well-being over financial gain. I am admittedly money-obsessed. I would say money is the only thing I hoard. I’m great at saving money; I always have been. I think it’s because I grew up in poverty. I’m not making millions, but I’m making enough to feel secure and not worry about emergencies. 

Speaking of emergencies, my cat got sick recently and I had to take him to the vet. It was the most wonderful feeling to be able to make an appointment and have the funds to treat him immediately. If I had still been living in my old place under my mother, I would have had to just wait out his illness. My mother wouldn’t have thought he was sick enough to even go to the vet. The way I feel about my independence here, especially financial independence, is simply indescribable. Hence my obsession with money and being a workaholic. 

 

I also have another roommate. His name is Brett and he’s a 19-year-old gay boy. I say “boy” because he’s still very much a child. He is not my ideal roommate, but he’s not too bad. 

 

All in all, I am very happy. Life is wonderful right now. Lexie makes me happy. Every other girl I’ve dated since moving here has not officially made it to the “girlfriend” status. I called them my girlfriends sometimes just because it was easier than trying to explain the causal dating thing every time, but Lexie and I are actually official. I asked her to be my girlfriend on June 23rd. 

 

That is all for now. Thank you for reading. 

Date Night and Love

For nearly a week I have been overly excited about my date tonight. Shanna is coming over and we are going to watch movies and drink and eat and just stay up all night having fun. I have been impatiently waiting for today to arrive. All week I have been looking forward to this. 

That was, until my ex fiance, Mel, scared me senseless. Something had happened and I was scared for her safety. 

Now, for those of you who don’t know, my ex lives in Australia. We love each other, but we can’t be together, so we have both been dating other people. I guess our relationship is a bit odd in that we admittedly love each other, but still tell each other all about our dates and such. But she is my best friend. 

Unfortunately, she’s not just my best friend. She is everything. She is my favorite person; the most important person. 

The time difference and distance between us is difficult, even for friendship. I knew something bad was going on, but her phone stopped working and I had to spend hours not knowing if she was okay. The thought of potentially losing her pretty much sent me into hysterics. Losing her would be my absolute greatest fear. It would completely destroy me. 

Luckily her phone started working again this morning and she is okay. But the last 24 hours of fear and concern have me not even wanting to go through with my date tonight. 

How am I supposed to date and see people when my heart is in Australia with someone I can’t be with? What am I supposed to do? My love for Mel grows stronger every day instead of lessening with time. Time is supposed to heal and strengthen. People are supposed to move on in time. I don’t seem to be able to do that. 

It’s been almost a year since we broke up due to the distance and not being able to be together. And I love her more now than I did a year ago, and will love her more still tomorrow. 

I’ve tucked her away in a special place in my heart that has allowed me to date other people and call Mel my friend. But things like this pull her out of that place and put her above everything and everyone else, so all I can see or feel or think about is her. 

I need to get her back into that place in my heart so I can enjoy my date with someone else tonight… but I don’t want to. All I want is Mel. To talk to her, to hear her voice, see her face, feel her touch.

And to never, ever lose her. 

OCD

It’s gotten really hard for me to tell what is my OCD and what is something else. I decided to make a list here to hopefully figure some of it out.

So, here are some of my quirks. I’m sure a lot of them will seem really rude, but I need to be honest.

 

  1. It seems fitting that the first one should be my obsessive concern that I’ve said or done something wrong. Fitting because I have a feeling by the end of this list I will be regretting much of it and worrying. I’m fairly certain this is an OCD trait, because OCD has a lot to do with obsessive thoughts. This one is so bad for me that I still regret stupid things I said when I was a kid. 
  2. I cannot use cleaning rags because I throw them away. I have cats, so there is always cat fur when I’m cleaning things. As soon as there is some kind of hair on the rag, it becomes trash. I just don’t don’t know how to clean rags properly. Hair seems to stick to them eternally. Instead of spending a fortune on rags and throwing them away, I buy a certain kind of sponge for cleaning. This sponge is made of a material that doesn’t hold onto hair, so I can clean it. I bleach my sponges regularly. I have several of them for different things. I have some for the bathroom and some for the kitchen. I even have one just for the walls. I don’t know if this is OCD or just common sense.
  3. I have two closets. I have all my clothes arranged from summer to winter shirts, and pants in the smaller closet. I love my closets. They’re exceptionally organized. Maybe this comes from the fact that I never had an organized closet growing up. Closets were where you shoved everything that didn’t have a place when I was a kid. When my grandfather passed away, I bought a nice outfit to wear to his funeral because I didn’t own anything nice. I was living with my mother and there was nowhere for me to put the outfit where it would be safe, so I gave it to my mother. She put it in her closet, I think. When I was moving, I tried to find it. I opened her closet… that was a mistake. There was an avalanche of stuff and it was clear I would never see my outfit again. Those are the closets I’m used to, so mine are beautiful to me. I hang all of my clothes facing the same direction, right-side-out, perfectly organized. No one else is ever allowed to put my clothes away because they will do it wrong. This could be OCD…
  4. I don’t anyone rearranging anything in my home. Everything has its place and it makes me angry if someone changes that. This one is my OCD.
  5. I have routines which are very likely OCD. I eat certain foods together, or with specific utensils, or while watching certain shows. Some examples are: I always eat Chinese food with chopsticks. I can’t even fathom using a fork. I prefer chopsticks in general, though. They are like using your fingers without the mess. I eat bagel bites with extra cheese, garlic powder and parsley flakes while watching my “stupid shows” like The Simpsons or Family Guy. I always eat french bread and grapefruit. It doesn’t feel right to eat just french bread. I want my grapefruit with it.
  6. I can’t stand the smell of food unless I’m hungry. My mother bought me some sweet smelling candle-like stuff once. It smells like fresh baked cookies, and I hate it. I got rid of it. It’s nauseating. I only want to smell cookies when I’m about to eat them. Then I want the smell gone. I hate cooking in my house because it’s so hard to get rid of the smell when I’m done. I wash all the dishes and spray air freshener, but it lingers. It’s horrible. I don’t know if this is OCD.
  7. More routines or habits are pacing while I talk on the phone (I can’t sit still on the phone), drinking coffee whenever I blog (hence the name of my blog), and playing logic games on my phone while watching a movie or show. These could be OCD.
  8. Ever since I was a child I have separated my food. I used to take my cheeseburgers apart when my parents took me to McDonald’s. I would separate the whole thing and eat everything by itself. I would eat all of it, but not together. I’d eat the bun first, then pick the cheese off the burger, eat the pickles, then finally eat the burger. I still do this with a lot of foods. For the most part I will eat things all together, but there are times when I just don’t want to and I’ll pull it all apart and eat it separately. Probably OCD.
  9. I’m gay, and I absolutely hate it when men try to touch me. A guy at work always tries to hug me and I just want to kick him for it. Maybe it has to do with them wanting to date or sleep with me, though. My boss, who is a man, can hug me and I don’t mind. He’s like an uncle to me. That one guy at work is always trying to hook up with me, though, so that’s probably what it is. I doubt this one is OCD.
  10. I can’t stand people teasing me. It drives me crazy. I never give the expected reaction. I don’t even know what people expect from me when they tease me. I have no clue how to handle it at all. I generally force out fake laughter, which is not even remotely convincing, but that doesn’t seem to be the right reaction. Also probably not OCD.
  11. People talking to me about unimportant things annoys me. When my neighbors try to make small talk, it takes all of my willpower to be polite and not just walk away mid-sentence. People talking about important things can annoy me, too, though, if they don’t know what they’re talking about. Also probably not OCD, but my severely lacking social skills.
  12. If I get sick, I throw away most of my food. Anything that has been in my fridge for a while, even if it is still good, has to go. I also throw away tupperware containers if food has gone bad in them. I don’t feel like I can get plastic clean enough. I don’t even want to own anything plastic. Try finding a glass water bottle, though, that fits my strict criteria. No clue if this is OCD.
  13. I have panic attacks over anything that is too dirty. I haven’t had this problem since moving into my own place, though. It happened often in the hoarded house I lived in. I remember trying to clean and hyperventilating because it was just so frightening. Definitely hoarding-related OCD.
  14. I have to wear my headphones and listen to music at work because I can’t stand listening to most people. Some of them just have voices that rub me the wrong way, and others just have nothing valuable to say. Probably not OCD… I’m probably just a jerk.
  15. I can’t stand the way it feels to file my nails. I’ve been working on this and getting a little better. I can’t stand if I bend a nail, though. If my nail bends, I will cut it off. Even after cutting it off, I can still feel that horrible feeling, though. I think this is OCD on some level.

 

Okay, I think that’s enough for now.

Beautiful Day

I had a beautiful day yesterday!

I got called out of work, which is bad for the paycheck, but I was thrilled. I’d had so many things that I’d wanted to do around the house, and I got to do them because I didn’t have to work.

Our neighbor moved out a couple weeks ago and she left us some pieces of furniture and paintings. April and I haven’t had enough time when we’re both home to move the furniture inside together. We finally found some time to move one piece in, but not set it up. I decided I could slide it on my own once it was inside.

Our kitchen isn’t tiny, but it’s not huge either. We don’t have a lot of counter space. Our neighbor left us a sort of bookcase thing that when turned on its side serves as a portable counter and storage device. I moved it into the kitchen yesterday and filled all the compartments with our packaged foods and kitchen gadgets. I also hung a small shelf on the wall that works nicely as a spice rack. And I hung a picture of New York on the wall.

I secured a beautiful beach scene painting in the bathroom and an abstract tree painting in the foyer. The bathroom painting lights up when the sun shines in because I hung it over the top half of the window. It’s lovely.

I decided to see if I could drag the love seat in by myself, and I discovered that I could! I rearranged the living room.

April and I had been discussing Christmas and our desire to decorate. We’re too tight on money right now to really do anything for the holiday, sadly. I irresponsibly decided to go ahead and take a few bucks over to the thrift store and see if I could find some Christmas decorations anyway. I thought it was also a good time to return the two DVD players that we had purchased that didn’t work with our TV.

When I got there, the owner said he could give me store credit for the DVD players. We had paid $15 for them. I eagerly agreed.

I scoured the store for Christmas decorations and found quite a selection. Most of the things I found were not priced, but the man told me to gather whatever I thought was $15 worth, and then get some more. He said the extra would be to compensate my trouble of having to return three times over a DVD player.

I was elated!

In addition to some wonderful Christmas decor, I also got some decorative pillows for our couches and a gorgeous pair of stilettos. I admittedly love shoes! This pair was priced $30 at Charlotte Russe.
The store clerk also gave me a crate for my bike and some bungee cords to secure it with.

I excitedly went home and decorated the house with the Christmas things I got before April returned from work. It was a wonderful surprise for her. She loved it all.

I was glad that I didn’t have to spend any of my money since I really didn’t have any to spare. Plus, all of the things that I got were worth way more than $15. Those thrift store guys have been so great to me and April since the very first day we moved here.

Our place feels a little bit more like “home” now, and that is a wonderful feeling.

I’m sure all of this was pretty boring to read, haha, but thank you for reading anyway!

The Beauty of Kay

I’ve been wanting to write about Kay; tell you all about her. Now is the time. 

 

Kay has blown my mind, set my spirit afire, and taught me things that I didn’t know I needed to learn. This is why I’ve fallen for her. 

She and I will not be together. I would surely jump at the opportunity, but she has lost friends in the past because attempted relationships with them have failed. Neither one of us want that to happen. 

 

Kay and I have grown so close that we can discuss virtually anything and everything without discomfort. She expresses thoughts, emotions and ideas that I’ve either never thought of or that I’ve never found quite the right words to express myself. Being with her feels like “home.” It feels safe. 

 

God it’s been so long since I’ve felt safe. 

 

Kay has shown me that I’m capable of connecting with someone other than my ex. Even though she and will never date, will never know what could have been between us beyond our friendship, I deeply appreciate everything that we have and everything that she has given me, shown me, and still is giving and showing me. 

 

I don’t know if Kay realizes how much she challenges me. She says sometimes she can’t keep up with my mind, but the truth is that most of the time she pushes the boundaries of my mind, and I like that- a lot. 

 

I also like that we can go out and she can just sing and dance and be real and alive in the moment. She can be silly and so much fun. She makes me laugh harder and more often than anyone else. She also make me think and feel on a level of depth beyond anyone else. 

 

Kay is amazingly gorgeous… She doesn’t even realize how natural her beauty is. She doesn’t need makeup or fancy clothes to enhance her beauty. She can be in sweatpants and a hoodie, no makeup, messed up hair, and she’s still beautiful. 

 

Yesterday, her mother and grandmother took photos of her for the holidays. I expected something different when she said “holiday photos.” I expected her and her family to get together and take photos. That’s not what happened. 

Kay spent hours getting dressed up and ready for the photos. She looked amazing. Her mother arrived and they all went outside. Her mother took photos of her in the yard and said that she would photoshop her into holiday family photos. 

I literally felt my heart break a little. Photoshop? Really? 

If that wasn’t enough, her grandmother and mother kept telling her that her smile was ugly and to smile “for real.” My heart broke again. 

Kay can be very silly, which I actually love, but there wasn’t anything wrong with the way she was smiling. 

I felt like her family didn’t accept and appreciate her as she is. It hurt me, for her. 

 

Kay is one of those people who has gone through life never fully being appreciated. She has endured much in her life, much more than anyone should, and she is stronger and more beautiful for it. I am so grateful to have met her, to know her, to have her in my life. I look forward to all the moment to come, all of the things she will teach me and reveal to me, all of the little things she does: especially all of those “ugly” smiles, because they’re amazing and I love them. 

Relationships

I have found myself falling irreparably for Kay. 

 

I’m trying so hard to be the friend and nothing more. Yet, as soon as she looks at me with those big brown eyes, framed by full black lashes… I’m done. 

 

I’m trying to look at the bright side. If nothing else, these feelings for Kay have at least shown me that I’m capable of healing from what happened with my ex (which still hurts more than I’d like to admit). She’s at least shown me that my ex wasn’t the only person in the world who is so special; who can find a place in my heart. 

 

Unfortunately now I’m stuck in the same situation: longing for someone who doesn’t want me. 

 

Kay is not just like my ex. She is her own person and I’m falling for her for different reasons. However, there are some similarities. Kay, like my ex, doesn’t see just how amazing she is. She doesn’t see all of the wonderful little things that make her so special. 

 

In all things, I have an eye for the details which most don’t notice. Perhaps this is part of it. 

 

I think I enjoy and value personality quirks in some people that others either don’t notice, don’t like or just take for granted. 

 

I have to go to work now, but I’m going to post more about this later. I need to get it out of my system.