Lexie

I want to introduce you all to my gorgeous girlfriend, Lexie, and tell you a bit about her.  

 

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I was just about to move to another city when I met Lexie. I can honestly say she is the reason I stayed here. I had said before, all I needed was just one person worth staying for. I don’t plan to stay here forever, but Lexie is reason enough to stay for the time-being. I can’t live in any place with no one worth spending my time with. I can’t be alone 100% of the time. I need just one person who is intelligent and enjoyable. 

Lexie and I connect on many levels. I can’t even express how important intelligent and intellectual conversation is to me, and I have that with her. Humor is extremely important, as well, and she is hilarious. She makes me laugh all the time. She also sings, plays guitar and signs. I have been wanting to learn sign language for a very long time now, and finally I am learning. She sings and signs songs for me. She teaches me new signs all the time. 

Additionally, Lexie’s parents were abusive and neglectful. We connected there, too, because my mother was also abusive and neglectful. We understand each other because of this. We understand each other’s issues and fears. We understand the difficulties and anxieties that come from pasts like ours. 

Lexie and I haven’t been dating very long, so we don’t want to say “I love you” quite yet. However, we do love each other- we love the people we are, our personalities and quirks. So we started this thing where we say “I love-ish you.”

 

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See? She’s hilarious. 

 

Also, the sex is amazing. It’s the best sex I’ve ever had. It’s wild, passionate and exciting. I am 26 years old. I won’t be able to get away with having adventurous sex for much longer before people won’t excuse it anymore. Years from now, I can say “Oh well I was in my twenties, young and crazy.” You can’t say that anymore once you hit 30! With that said… Lexie and I have had sex in public places. That’s something I’d never done before. We didn’t get caught, thankfully, but it was exciting. I know, I know… I’m being judged by everyone reading this. I don’t care. Sex with Lexie is fantastic and the world should know. 

We have date night every week. We go to the movies, eat out, get drinks, and have sex. I am crazy about her. She is one incredible woman. 

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Sex

Why are all things sex so uncomfortable for people?

Whether it is gender, sexual orientation or intercourse, it seems to make so many people uncomfortable. 

I have a friend who is transgender. She has transitioned from male to female. Her name is Sophie. 

I was interviewing a potential roommate who is a man. His name is Vinny. It was pretty clear from the beginning that he found me attractive, so I had to make sure he knew and was able to accept that I am gay. As things got more serious, I also needed to make sure he would be respectful to my friends. Sophie has been through hell in her transition and she is very sensitive. Vinny and I were discussing friendships and possible visitors, what was allowed, etc. I told him about Sophie and asked if he would have a problem with her. 

This conversation ensued: 

Vinny- “You mean she’s a girl with a dick?” 

Me- “I wouldn’t know; I’ve never seen her naked.” 

Vinny- “Haha, good one. It would be okay, but there would be boundaries.”

Me- “Boundaries?” 

Vinny- “I don’t judge anyone. I don’t mind gay guys as long as they don’t hit on me. So, I just don’t want her hitting on me.” 

Me- “Yeah I feel ya. I don’t mind straight guys as long as they don’t hit on me, either. So, I’m right there with ya. 😉 ” 

*I was trying to make a point there. 

Vinny- “I love lesbians, though! I’m a lesbian! Lol” 

Me- “Haha yeah Sophie is a lesbian, too.” 

 

Sigh. The ignorance is appalling to me. First of all, why is it perfectly acceptable for men to hit on me when I’m gay, but it’s SO unacceptable for a gay man to hit on a straight man? Hypocrisy much? Secondly, a lesbian is defined as a homosexual woman. Homosexual is defined as a person who is sexually attracted to people of their own sex. Why do straight men say they’re lesbians? That makes no sense at all. 

Now, on the topic of gender, why is it so outrageous for someone to feel more masculine or more feminine? Why do men HAVE to be masculine and women HAVE to be feminine? 

As I was typing this, a little girl just asked a man why he is wearing pink. He asked the little girl why she’s wearing pink and she replied “Because I’m a girl.” Even a small child is shocked by someone stepping out of the gender box in such a small way as wearing a pink jacket. This saddens me. 

To assign attributes to such a broad spectrum is to say that no one is an individual. People are not all alike. Not all girls like pink. Not all boys like blue. Not all girls like dolls. Not all boys like action figures. 

Growing up, I hated pink, dolls and dresses. I wore my brother’s clothes and played with cars with him. I didn’t care about my hair or nails. I never wanted to play house with my friends. Hell, I didn’t even know what playing house was. 

As an adult, I like dresses and pale shades of pink. I like doing my hair, nails and makeup. I love wearing heels and being very “girly.” I am quite feminine. But I can be masculine, too. Sometimes I just don’t feel like doing my hair, and I want to lounge around in baggy clothes and drink beer with the guys. I am quite unattractive in that state, but I don’t care in the least.

I don’t think it’s weird for me to sometimes wear heels and other times wear boy’s shoes. No one else thinks it’s weird either. But god forbid a MAN ever want to feel pretty and wear a dress! That is just completely unacceptable. A man has to be just that- a man- no matter what he feels inside. In addition to this concept, it is also completely unacceptable for a woman to want to BE a man. She can dress like one (usually only if she’s pretty, though), but she cannot actually become one. 

People are just not that simple. 

Most people won’t even consider what it would be like to be the opposite sex. They won’t ask themselves “Is there a possibility that I might actually like being a man/woman?” No. If you ask someone that question, they will usually snap NO before their brain has even had time to process it. It’s just too outlandish of a concept. 

Personally, I enjoy being a woman. However, I could enjoy being a man, too. I am not afraid to say that. There are perks to being a woman and perks to being a man. I could enjoy being either. I’m content with being a woman, though, and would never consider a sex change because I don’t feel like I AM male.

Sophie IS female. She feels so strongly inside that she is a woman that she is willing to go through extensive procedures just to be comfortable in her own skin. 

Can you imagine looking in the mirror every day and just feeling sickened by your own reflection? I bet a lot of you can imagine that. Many people feel this way, for many different reasons. A lot of severely obese people are sickened by their reflections to the point that they become willing to undergo all sorts of procedures to lose weight. Society accepts that, though. But if they want a vagina instead of a penis, that’s not okay. There’s something wrong with that. 

 

I still cannot believe that sexual orientation is such a big issue in 2013. It is as big of an issue as interracial marriage once was. 

If two men kissing grosses you out, don’t gawk. Maybe a 70-year-old couple kissing grosses you out. What do you do then? Yell? Throw things? Degrade them? No… That would be horrible. They’re old. You can’t be rude to old people. But being rude to gay people is alright? 

Kids generally don’t want to see their parents kiss, but it happens and it’s not unacceptable. Interracial coupling is widely accepted now. Gays are becoming more accepted. Transgenders are next. 

I have never been able to understand why it is anyone’s business when two consenting adults become a couple. 

I myself am gay, for all intents and purposes. In reality, I just like people and it doesn’t matter what sex they are. I could be attracted to a man, but the likelihood of that happening is so minuscule that I just stick with saying that I’m gay. A man would probably have to be very feminine for me to be physically attracted to him. There are very feminine straight men, but I haven’t met many of them yet. 

 

Now, intercourse… If I were to talk about sex on my blog without holding back, I bet I would get a lot of judgement. I might find out, because I’m ready to stop holding back on anything on my blog. 

So many people judge someone for having sex. Or for not having sex! I was judged for being a virgin until I was 20. I was judged for who I had sex with. I was judged when I’d only had sex with two people. I would be judged for having sex with 20 people. It’s just a lose-lose situation. No matter what you do, if sex is the topic you are doing it wrong! 

I have no judgment in sex. If you’ve slept with 500 people, I don’t care. If you’ve slept with one person, I don’t care. If you’ve never had sex, I don’t care. If you’ve had sex with a man, I don’t care. If you’ve had sex with a woman, I don’t care. If you’ve had sex with several people at the same time while tied up and blindfolded, I don’t care. The only sexual activities that are my concern are my own. And my sexual activities shouldn’t be anyone else’s concern. 

The way I sometimes talk can make me sound like a slut, or a player. But the fact of the matter is, I’m quite inexperienced in sex and I have never cheated on anyone, nor would I ever. I lost my virginity to my friend Alex while I was dating someone else. I was in an open relationship. No one got hurt, cheated on or lied to. Everyone was in the loop, and I have never once felt bad about it. I am currently dating two women. I am not in a relationship with either of them. One of them is in an open relationship with another girl. The other one may or may not be seeing other people. It doesn’t really matter to me because she’s not my girlfriend. I have a friends with benefits relationship with two other women who are getting married soon (I’m sure our benefits will stop when they marry). 

In consenting adult relationships, I don’t think there is a single thing wrong with having sex or experimenting sexually. Everyone is different and our preferences are different. Some people only want the normal, traditional type of relationship. Others want the complete opposite. 

I have been in love, engaged and very ready and willing to settle down with that one person for the rest of my life. That would have been a dream come true, and someday I will fall in love again and plan my future that way. Right now, though, I am not in love and I am enjoying dating these women. They are friends before anything else. They will still be friends when we are no longer dating or having sex. I can easily be monogamous or polygamous. In the end, I know I’ll only love and want to be with one person. That won’t be until I am in love again, though. 

 

Okay, enough of that. I just had to vent some of my thoughts on sex. 

The Beauty of Kay

I’ve been wanting to write about Kay; tell you all about her. Now is the time. 

 

Kay has blown my mind, set my spirit afire, and taught me things that I didn’t know I needed to learn. This is why I’ve fallen for her. 

She and I will not be together. I would surely jump at the opportunity, but she has lost friends in the past because attempted relationships with them have failed. Neither one of us want that to happen. 

 

Kay and I have grown so close that we can discuss virtually anything and everything without discomfort. She expresses thoughts, emotions and ideas that I’ve either never thought of or that I’ve never found quite the right words to express myself. Being with her feels like “home.” It feels safe. 

 

God it’s been so long since I’ve felt safe. 

 

Kay has shown me that I’m capable of connecting with someone other than my ex. Even though she and will never date, will never know what could have been between us beyond our friendship, I deeply appreciate everything that we have and everything that she has given me, shown me, and still is giving and showing me. 

 

I don’t know if Kay realizes how much she challenges me. She says sometimes she can’t keep up with my mind, but the truth is that most of the time she pushes the boundaries of my mind, and I like that- a lot. 

 

I also like that we can go out and she can just sing and dance and be real and alive in the moment. She can be silly and so much fun. She makes me laugh harder and more often than anyone else. She also make me think and feel on a level of depth beyond anyone else. 

 

Kay is amazingly gorgeous… She doesn’t even realize how natural her beauty is. She doesn’t need makeup or fancy clothes to enhance her beauty. She can be in sweatpants and a hoodie, no makeup, messed up hair, and she’s still beautiful. 

 

Yesterday, her mother and grandmother took photos of her for the holidays. I expected something different when she said “holiday photos.” I expected her and her family to get together and take photos. That’s not what happened. 

Kay spent hours getting dressed up and ready for the photos. She looked amazing. Her mother arrived and they all went outside. Her mother took photos of her in the yard and said that she would photoshop her into holiday family photos. 

I literally felt my heart break a little. Photoshop? Really? 

If that wasn’t enough, her grandmother and mother kept telling her that her smile was ugly and to smile “for real.” My heart broke again. 

Kay can be very silly, which I actually love, but there wasn’t anything wrong with the way she was smiling. 

I felt like her family didn’t accept and appreciate her as she is. It hurt me, for her. 

 

Kay is one of those people who has gone through life never fully being appreciated. She has endured much in her life, much more than anyone should, and she is stronger and more beautiful for it. I am so grateful to have met her, to know her, to have her in my life. I look forward to all the moment to come, all of the things she will teach me and reveal to me, all of the little things she does: especially all of those “ugly” smiles, because they’re amazing and I love them. 

Impossible Women

I’ve deduced that I only go after impossible women.

Exhibit A: Stella- The first female relationship I had. She was moving to another state when we started seeing each other. I knew it. Our relationship didn’t even last long enough to count.

Exhibit B: Sarah- Female relationship number two. She was Canadian, only visiting Florida. We lasted the summer until she returned to Canada.

Exhibit C: Mel- My Australian love. Most know how that went from my other blog. For those of you who don’t, it was an online relationship of video-chatting, emailing, texting and calling. I don’t even know if a friendship is left of it.

Exhibit D: My current interest. She’s seeing someone else. She only likes me as a friend, and worst of all… I think I’m on my way to hindering our friendship with my feelings for her.

Clearly I need to branch out to available and accessible women.

Party

I am not a party-girl. I don’t enjoy getting hammered. I don’t like wild or crazy anything.

However, I just moved into my new place a week ago and my duplex neighbor invited me and my friend to a “passion party.” My friend worked all night and had so little sleep that she got sick, so she couldn’t make it to the party.
This party was not wild or crazy. It wasn’t loud and obnoxious. It was simply a group of about 10 or so women eating, drinking, hanging out and talking. Since it was a passion party, there was a lot of talk about sex and relationships.

I was the only gay women there. All that talk about men and sex with men, and there I was feeling like an oddball. I’m so shy to begin with. I started off the party with a glass of wine from home just to relax and not be a complete weirdo. I joined the party after my wine kicked in a little, but I was still the one sitting in the corner just observing everyone.

I actually think I did very well. I sat observing for a bit, then got up to make a drink when the hostess offered. Actually I had someone else make it for me. I’d never had tequila before. I introduced myself to people and sipped on the tequila while talking to another young woman who was a little bit of an outsider like me. Her name was Jennifer and she announced from the beginning that she was a nerd; an intelligent, introverted nerd. I really liked her. She was adorable. She opened up with a bit of tequila herself. By the time she finished her glass, she was grinning hugely at people, talking loudly, and excitedly inviting everyone back to the hostess’ house for a Halloween party.

I forced myself to socialize more than usual, be more friendly and outgoing. Again, I think I did well. I also think I hid my tipsiness pretty well. Except for my texting and emailing. I was texting a friend and emailing my girlfriend. My girlfriend could tell right away that I’d been drinking. (Maybe it was my excessive professions of love… )

I don’t introduce myself as a lesbian to everyone I meet, so it actually only came up with a couple people. I received no judgement. I found it difficult and saddening to be the only gay person there and the only one in a long distance relationship. I wanted my girl. I want her every day, and right now.

This is why she broke up with me for a while. It’s not easy at all. Everyone else gets to talk about their partner and the intimacy they share. They get to touch, hug, kiss, hold each other. My girl and I don’t get to have that. Instead, we get silently judged for having a weird online and video relationship; for never having met each other in person; for never having touched each other or gotten to know each other intimately. It’s hard for people to understand how we can love each other without the normal physical bonding rituals. I don’t blame them; it’s hard for me to understand it, too.

It is what it is, though. I will have her in November and we will see then where our relationship will go from here.
I know that I want to be with her. No one else will do. I love her, adore her. She is my everything. I want to attend parties with her by my side, holding my hand. I want to show her off… show everyone how lucky I am. Of everyone in the world, she chose to be with me.

Back to the party…

I loved the variety of people there. Women ranging from 23 to 60 years old. There were young and old mothers, single and partnered women, tall and short women, every shape and size women. They were all beautiful and unique, even the 3 sisters who basically looked alike with their short statures and long blonde hair. Everyone was different.

I didn’t drink too much. I had wine, tequila and vodka. I’m seriously a lightweight, so I was worried that I would get drunk, but I didn’t. I was nervous and worried that I would say or do something stupid. My friend who I was texting said that that just made it all the more fun. I like the way she thinks. I wished I could have invited her to the party. I promised her that I would invite her to a party at my place soon. I was grateful for her texting me through most of the party. She’s another one who I have never actually met in person. Just like all of you reading this now, most of my closest friends have never met me. I’m shy and introverted, but online I am free to let my heart loose on this little white screen. I have time to think about what I want to say instead of fumbling awkwardly over my words. You, right here, know me better than those who know me in person.

The passion party was about sex and toys, but that was really only half of it. I enjoyed all of it, though. The second half was just all of the women sitting around chatting about anything and everything. I got to know my neighbor better, and she got to know me better. She even met one of my cats at the end of the night as he decided to escape and wind around her legs purring.

Living in the woods before here, the only parties I was ever invited to were wild, crazy, excessive alcohol and drug parties. I never went to those. That’s not my scene at all. Now, in my first week of living here, I was invited to 3 different parties, none of which are like the reckless, immature parties I knew in my old town.

I like living here. I like the people. I know I’m going to be happy here.

A Month

For the last month I have been living in a sort of limbo with my girlfriend. I haven’t known if she still wanted to pursue a future with me or if it was just too hard with our distance. She was afraid to commit to me because of the possibility that none of our plans could ever work out, and the pain that it would cause.

She broke up with temporarily a month ago, and then she announced that it was permanent the other day.

I really can’t imagine my life without her. I’ve never loved someone so deeply before; never even knew I could. I really didn’t know what I’d do without her in my life. I can’t even fathom dating someone else, now or in the future. I’ve been hurt before and each hurt breaks a person a little more than the last. It’s not easy letting someone get that close to you. I was very worried that I would become a cold and closed off person if I lost just one more thing.

I called her last night, upon her request. She was having a bad day and wanted to talk. I’ve always let her know that I’m here for her in whatever capacity she wants. We talked about what was bothering her, then we talked about us.

After a very long and very emotional discussion, things are finally back to normal between us. She explained her fears and reservations, but confirmed that she still loved me and wanted to be with me.

Just when I was about to accept that things were over between us, she came back to me. I held out for a month waiting patiently for her to give me a definitive answer. Then she did, and it wasn’t the one I wanted. I’m so glad I could call her last night. I can’t always call. I called to listen, not to talk. Certainly not to talk about us. It came up, though, and I let it all out when she asked. I’m so glad we got to talk. Sadly, all of this in the last month was mainly a miscommunication that could have been avoided.

The best thing I’ve heard in a month… “Will you be my girlfriend again?

Update

New Home and the Old Trailer:

After nothing working out with multiple apartments, houses and even mobile homes over the span of six months, my friend (April) and I have finally found a home! It is a duplex with a couple and three young boys in the other half. It’s very large with two spacious bedrooms, one bathroom, a cute little kitchen, a lovely living room, and a foyer. 

April and I have both grown up in unpleasant conditions and we’ve never had a “nice” place that could truly be our own. Every place I’ve lived in has been hoarded and frankly deplorable. Because I’ve always lived in small, cluttered spaces, I get very anxious and uncomfortable if I don’t have enough space. My preference for large, open spaces isn’t a selfish or greedy one, but rather a larger scale of someone disliking turtleneck shirts because they feel like they’re being choked. I feel suffocated in smaller rooms. I’m not exactly claustrophobic, though. It’s a bit different from that. 

April is such a wonderful friend. In every place we looked at, she said she would take the smaller bedroom. When we looked at the house we have now, April wanted the bigger room. Both bedrooms are spacious, but one is larger than the other. I knew she wanted the bigger one because she likes a lot of light coming in her room and that one had two windows. The larger room was perfect for working on my art, though. There was enough space for me to set up my art supplies by one of the windows, and without crowding the rest of my space. I wouldn’t be able to do that in the smaller room. April got so excited when she realized that, and immediately said that I could have the bigger room because it was perfect for me. I know she wanted it, and yet she not only took the smaller one, but she was also thrilled for me and how perfect it was for me. She didn’t make me feel bad like others have in the past, and she shared in my excitement. She is completely selfless and I am so very blessed to have her as a friend. 

We went shopping for some furniture afterwards and I got the chance to repay her. Neither of us have ever really had a nice bed of our own. My beds have mostly been mattresses on the floor. I’ve always wanted a bed with a frame and posts. They look so pretty in people’s rooms. I found a gorgeous king size bed with a frame and posts at the store we were at. I couldn’t find a price tag, so I ran up front to ask about it. That’s where I found April. She had also just inquired about the bed. There was only one. I asked if she wanted it. She was wide-eyed. She said “Well, yes, of course I want it. It’s beautiful. Do you want it, too?” I replied “Well, I was interested, but…” She immediately cut me off and got all excited again, telling me that I should get it. There she was being completely selfless again. This time I insisted she get what she wants. I told her that there were plenty of other beds that I could choose from, and I was happy to do so. April got so excited, she even teared up a little. She wouldn’t stop thanking me and saying it was a huge sacrifice on my part, so I reminded her of her huge sacrifice with the bedrooms. She said we are more than even. I don’t feel like the bed was a big sacrifice for me, especially when I got to see how happy it made her, but I’m so glad that we are both satisfied and happy. The bed is perfect for her. She has been suffering some back pain from uncomfortable mattresses. She needs one that is good for her back, and the nice frame is just something she deserves. I don’t need any special mattress because my morning yoga helps me even if I do wake up with some pain. I can sleep on basically any type of mattress, but April truly needed a good one. 

I can’t believe how well April and I work together in every situation. I’ve never had a friend who compromised “with” me before. Friends and roommates in the past have always made me do all of the compromising. April and I have similar taste in decor, and when we find something that we disagree on, we both compromise equally. It is such a relief to me, and so refreshing. 

Our new place needs to be painted. The landlady was going to paint it, but we offered because we enjoy painting and we want to move in as soon as possible. Ever since I moved into the dilapidated trailer that I mentioned in the “My Story” posts, I have been dying to paint and decorate! I’ve never been in a place where I’m allowed to, so now I’ll have the chance! It’s so wonderful that April is also excited about painting and will enjoy it. We agree on all the colors for each room, and we even picked out a couple of art pieces from a store that we’re going to hang in the living room. I have a sort of modern/abstract taste in art that not many people like, but April does! 

My bedroom is going to be a pale baby blue. I love light colors, white or nearly white. Blue is a very peaceful color to me, so a very pale blue is going to be perfect. I can’t wait to get started! I don’t know what color April is going to paint her room yet. We’re going to paint the living room either white or beige, as well as the bathroom. The kitchen will be white. 

I’ve never had a foyer before. It probably seems silly to most people, but it’s just so nice to me that our home has a foyer. It’s a good size, too. It’s not a hallway, it’s actually a foyer. I’m ridiculously excited to decorate it and set up a table with a lamp and a place for our keys, a shoe rack and a welcome mat by the door. We also have a large screened in porch where can enjoy the fresh air without bugs flying around or biting us. Plus, I’m a smoker and I have never been the type to smoke indoors, so the porch is nice place to sit and have cigarette. Although, I am trying to quit! 

 

Now that I actually have a nice place to live, I feel more comfortable admitting that I was still living in the dilapidated trailer with all of the broken things. Everything was falling apart even quicker and I was really scared that I wouldn’t move out in time. My bathroom sink fell out of the counter. The ceiling in the bathroom was falling in. The outside wall of bathroom was falling out. The cold showers were taking their toll, even in the summer heat. My bedroom ceiling was leaking. The kitchen wall was falling out, and the sink in there was completely useless. I was washing dishes in the bathtub. 

It was pretty scary during all the rain and storms. There were overgrown trees hanging right over my bedroom and I was afraid they would break and fall through the roof. That didn’t happen, though, thankfully. One tree fell, but it was on the other side of the trailer where I never went, so it was okay. 

My bedroom in the trailer was clean, but every other part of the place was hoarded and barely usable. I’d been living out of a single room for over three years. As time goes on in the new place, I’m sure I will begin to get over my need for large, open spaces. After all, I won’t be living in my bedroom anymore. I’ll be able and allowed to use the rest of the house. I know I’ll spend a lot of time in my room, though, because I’ll be working on my art constantly, but I’ll still have a living room with a couch to relax in. 

I look around the hoarded trailer, trash-filled yard and place, and I feel nothing but shame and disgust, even though I know rationally it’s not my fault and I didn’t create the conditions. My new place is something I and April will feel proud of. For the first time in both of our lives, we’re going to be able to host parties. We’ve been planning since the beginning of the year to host Thanksgiving in our new place! We’re now also planning a birthday party for a friend who has been incredibly helpful and generous in all of our moving plans. Her name is DeAnna. She is letting us use her van to move our things and to transport my cats. We have a truck to move furniture, but we can’t put cats in the bed of a truck. DeAnna has also treated us to lunches and dinners out when we’ve made trips to St. Augustine (the town we’re moving to) in our searches for a home. And she gave me and April gift cards to various restaurants and extra spending money for my birthday in June. DeAnna calls me and April her surrogate daughters because she never had children of her own. She has given us useful and decorative gifts for our new place. DeAnna is definitely like family to me, so I am beyond excited to be able to host a birthday party for her! It’s going to be a surprise. Her birthday is in December, so I’m going to tell her it’s a Christmas party, then she’ll arrive and we’ll have the whole place decorated with balloons and birthday banners, cake and ice cream, gifts and games, and all of her friends will be there. 

In the old trailer, I couldn’t even invite people over for a visit. April would visit and she was always really nice about the conditions. She would remind me that it wasn’t my fault and she would act like it was no big deal when I would apologize for subjecting her to it. It was okay once we were inside my room (as long as it wasn’t raining, haha), but the yard and every other part of the place was awful and embarrassing. Having a nice place and being able to host parties and invite people over is just such an incredible blessing to me. I imagine that normal people probably don’t think much about the fact that they can have friends over whenever they want. Growing up in a hoard, though, hosting an event or inviting someone over was always embarrassing and stressful. It won’t be stressful now. April and I are equally neat and clean people who can’t stand clutter, so we both know that our place is always going to be clean enough for someone to drop by unannounced and not cause us stress. Unannounced visitors dropping by a hoarder’s home causes a tsunami of stress and emotions to pour in. I am NOT a hoarder, at all, but my mother is and other people I’ve lived with were. 

 

My Mother:

My mother and I have had a seriously rocky relationship. As you may know from reading my past posts, she was abusive for the majority of my life, and her hoarding has impacted my life greatly. However, we are now finally beginning to repair our relationship. She is no longer abusive. I confronted her about the past and the current (at the time) abuses, which was necessary for me to be able to move on and try to let go. She stopped the emotional and verbal abuse that she had still been doing, and she acknowledged and apologized for the past. She will not stop her hoarding, but that’s not my problem as long as she doesn’t bring her hoard into my home. I’ve offered many times to help her clean up all of her places, but she won’t do it, so I have to just accept that she wants to live that way. 

My mother took about two years before she actually started showing that she cared and was willing to treat me respectfully and lovingly, but she is doing that now and I am very grateful. She is my mother and I will always love her. I was ready to cut her out of my life completely, never see her again, so I told her that. I think that’s what made her start changing and actually making an effort. I never really wanted to lose my mother, I just couldn’t have someone so toxic in my life. Now that she is making a genuine effort to show me that she cares and wants me in her life, I am thrilled to put in equal effort to forgive her for the past and repair/rebuild our relationship now. She is being supportive and encouraging, and she has even agreed to help me financially if I need any help until I get on my feet. In fact, she is the reason I’m able to move into this new place. Granted, the money she’s given me for it was technically supposed to be mine anyway (from my deceased father’s life insurance), but still it’s nice that she’s doing it now. 

The only issue I foresee with my mother is her visiting and over-staying her welcome. She is making so much progress, but she is generally a selfish person who takes advantage of people. She never stays home and will not get a job because she vacations constantly and stays for free with people all over the place. She shops at all of the local thrift stores and dumpster dives, then hoards whatever place she’s staying at. She cannot do this at my and April’s place. We don’t want her visiting every week and staying for extended periods of time. We want to live on our own, not with my mother. We also don’t want someone coming in a cluttering up our home. My mother can’t even spend one day out without cluttering up the vehicle she’s using. She can’t spend one night at a hotel without hoarding out the place.

This could become an issue with her visiting. I’ve told her that she can visit, that I want her to and I want to spend time with her, but she seems to have taken it as an open invitation for a free place to vacation whenever she pleases. She has been raving about all the vacations she can take to our place and all the things she can do, all the thrift stores she can shop at. April and I don’t know how (or if) we can put a stop to this since my mother will be helping me out financially in the beginning. She technically owes me a lot more money from what she spent of my inheritance than just what she’s given me for the move, but I don’t want to fight with her anymore or guilt her about spending my money in the past. Does anyone have any advice on this matter? I’d love some perspective and suggestions. I want a fresh start with her and to rebuild a relationship with her. In the past I have received gifts from her and just returned them to the store for cash so I can get food or necessities, but I can’t do that with gifts from thrift stores. I wish she would spend money on things that I actually need instead of buying me a bunch of “stuff.” The amount of money she spends on gifts for me could sustain me with food and such for quite a while. I will definitely be making enough money at my job to pay all the bills and take care of my cats, but there may be a couple little things that I fall short on until I build up to working more hours. That’s where my mother said she would help. 

 

My Cats: 

My lovely little kitties are going to be ecstatic when they see the new place! They won’t be confined to a single bedroom anymore. They will be allowed to roam through the whole house. They’ll have a cat tree, scratching posts, window sills to sleep on in the sun, and a bunch of toys to keep them happy and active. I’m getting nail caps for them in the beginning just to make sure that they don’t try to scratch anything other than their scratching posts. I don’t think they’ll need the nail caps forever, though. 

I’ve always been very diligent about maintaining the cats’ litter pans, so my place has never smelled like litter. I’ve always had to have the litter pans in my bedroom, though, and I don’t like that at all. Now I’ll be able to place them somewhere else in the house. Who wants a litter pan next to their bed anyway? Haha. April and I agreed that the litter pans can go in this one back closet that’s tucked deep in the wall and out of the way. It’s a perfect place because no matter where they go in the house our guests won’t have to see litter pans. 

Now that I have so much space, I’ll be able to properly separate the cats for feeding time. One cat has to have a prescription formula, and another is on steroids which go in his food. 

They also have plenty of space to exercise! One of cats is quite overweight, so I’ll be exercising him often (I have a lot of dangling toys to get him moving and playing). 

 

My Job: 

I haven’t worked in several years, so I’m lacking a sufficient work history that employers always look for. I’m also not formally educated (I only have a GED), so that doesn’t help either. I was very fortunate to get a job through a friend of a friend. People are right when they say it’s about who you know, I guess. I feel a little guilty because the place wasn’t even hiring anyone, but the owner gave me the job with no questions asked. The other employees don’t seem too happy about that, unfortunately. 

The job isn’t a glamorous one, but it is honestly exactly what I wanted to do. I have severe anxiety and there isn’t much that I’m comfortable and confident doing. I know it may be hard to believe, but as far as minimum wage jobs go, I wanted to work in housekeeping at a hotel. And that’s exactly the job I got! 

I met with the owner and his brother (the manager), and they literally asked me what position I wanted and then guaranteed it to me immediately. I filled out an application and was interviewed, but it was all just a formality. They said that none of it actually mattered because I have the job no matter what. All I have to do now is call them and let them know when I’m available to start work. 

I didn’t get to choose the hours I’ll be working, but the hours they need me are again exactly what I wanted. Naturally I don’t want to be doing this my whole life, but right now in this stage of my life it is all exactly what I need/want. I can’t work certain hours because of the bipolar disorder. I wouldn’t be able to work the crazy shifts that some people do (work late one night and early the next morning). I need a steady routine in my life that does not change, and just at first, I need to start out slow with less hours because I haven’t worked in a long time and I need to adjust and make it my new routine. With this job I’m getting exactly what I need for my stability. It also helps a lot that I really like my bosses! They are so nice and they made me feel really comfortable. I wasn’t nearly as anxious as I thought I’d be. 

I can’t believe how beautifully everything has fallen into place for both me and April. She got a job transfer with the company she’s been working with for years, and she may even be getting a promotion soon! April has a car, but I don’t. I don’t want a car, either. I want to use the bus, walk or ride a bike. April’s job is located farther away, but she doesn’t mind the drive. In fact, she said she likes it. My job is located less than two miles from our new home! I got a bike and will be able to ride to work, and if the weather is bad I can take the bus! My bike is really nice, too. It’s a lovely pale yellow Panama Jack bike. I can’t wait to ride it to work every day! It will be good exercise, too. 

In addition to my job at the hotel, I will also have my artwork. I’m not sure if I will sell any of it, but I’m going to try, and if I happen to make a little extra money while doing the art that I love so much, that will be wonderful! If I can’t sell it, that’s okay, too. I’ll still enjoy it as a hobby as I always have. 

After I’m settled in and have a new routine established, I also have the opportunity to earn a little extra by baby sitting on my days off. I absolutely love children and I’ve been told that I’m very good with them, so that will be nice. Our neighbors actually have three little boys, so if they approve I’m sure April and I will get to play with the kids once in a while. Their side of the duplex doesn’t really have a yard, so April and I want to let them know that the kids are welcome to play in our big fenced in yard all they want. Children should have a nice yard to play in, I think. And if we all get along, April and I want to offer to babysit if the parents want to go out for an evening once in a while. Truth is, I’ve never had neighbors so close and I’m really excited to get to know them and hopefully form a friendship. I will enjoy spoiling the kids, too, once I have some spending money. I love doing Christmas and holidays for children.  

Oh and I actually have a job perk that I didn’t expect at all! My boss told me that I will be getting passes to various attractions in the area as an employee. That will be very nice. 

 

My Girl:

I have so much going on in my life right now it is overwhelming, in a good way! So many good things have happened, I have so many exciting new ventures, so many opportunities and so much positive change taking place. The next thing I’m looking forward to, obviously, is November when my girl visits! 

I cannot wait to have her here with me! The only thing I’m not looking forward to is having to go to work while she’s here. It will be okay, though. I’m just not going to want to spend even a moment away from her. It’s going to be hard, but I’ll still have plenty of time with her. 

I’ll be making a list of all the places I want to take her whenever April and I go out to explore the town. I will be saving as much as I can afford from August to November so I can take her out on dates. I know that she would be perfectly happy just staying at home with me, but I want to take her to a few nice places. The passes that I’ll get through my job will be nice, too, so that I can take her to all of the local attractions. 

I just can’t wait to have her here. Even just looking at my new place for the first time, I was imagining her in there with me. I’ll be able to cook for her. She doesn’t really cook, but I love cooking. I’ll be able to curl up on the couch in the living room with her to watch a movie. We might even be able to go bike riding together (we’ll have to get her a bike, though). 

 

Blog: 

I don’t know how it happened, but apparently one of my posts (“My Story, Part Eight- Nelson’s Lessons) was featured on a site about bipolar disorder. I was quite surprised to find my post on the site, and really curious as to how it got there. It’s nice, though, I think. I wasn’t sure I’d actually written anything useful or helpful, but it’s great if I did. The site is bipolar.alltop.com  

I won’t have internet access at my new place for a little while, but April and I are working on getting it. I love this blog and all the people I’ve met on here, so I’m sure I’ll spend some time at the coffee shop across the street after work once in a while to use the internet. If I’m slacking at all, though, it’s because I don’t have internet at my new place yet. No worries, I will be around!

 

If you’ve actually read this entire post, thank you! It’s quite a lengthy update on my life.

Thanks so much for reading!